Do it already...

October already, wow... i can't believe it's been nearly four months since this journey began. Moving into the apartment, on my own, beginning again. Now, here i sit, wondering when things will change. 

By change, i mean get better and be awesome for me. I don't mean, like when am I gonna win a billion dollars, i mean when is my life going to start. I feel stagnant, and bored. I already know what i need to do to get the ball rolling, but of course it all comes down to money. 

I need to find a new car. Yeah, i know that sounds ass backwards, but with a new car, i can commute to Niagara. Once i can commute, then i can find a new job just about anywhere. Then ride out my lease. Then, when said lease is coming up to being done, find a small little apartment/house with low rent, and rent it, by myself. 

I think that's part of my problem. I've never lived totally alone. Ever. And i think i really need that control over my surroundings. My current living situation is progressively worse and worse, more and more stressful, and is not a good healing environment. 

Anyway, that's the plan. Car, new job, end lease, move. It will take until like June of next year, but it's the plan and i'm sticking to it. I also need to somehow save up like 4 grand. Hhahhaa.... moving expenses, and first and last for the new place. SO it's going to be quite the undertaking but i'm going to do it. 

I'm researching a juice/water fast again. I tried to do one, and only lasted like 4 days. I need to mentally prepare myself, and then follow the steps properly so i don't die. And when people keep saying "but you'll gain all the weight back".... Yeah no shit!! If i eat pizza and fucking cheeseburgers!!! Jesus christ, why do people have to gimme grief?? Like i'm gonna go through the agony of a fast and then fuck it up by toxifying myself like that? *facepalm.... 

Anyway, i have to keep holding onto my plan. It's all I've got. I deleted all my accounts from the stupid dating sites too. Too much of a wasteful distraction. Ally said it best when she told me I'm using the sites as a distraction, and then i find flaws in them, and reasons to stop replying, when they hint at being interested for real, because I'm not ready yet, and it's going to be a very very long time before i am. I haven't given myself time to heal at all. It's too much to face, and even just typing that sentence, i got a sick feeling. I need to focus on me, and get off my damn phone. Time to meditate, and knit, and draw, and paint, and be creative, and do what i wanna do. Time to take more pictures, and build up enough of a portfolio to create a website, and ever so slowly build a small business on the side. 

I'm still talkin' to Jeff though. I don't think that will ever change, meet or not. I enjoy talking with him about tattoos, politics, old cars, and dogs, and life and shit. It's good conversation if nothing else.

Ruby, (named changed), my dear friend and fellow photographer, is my inspiration for this venture. She inspired me to get out my camera, and start taking pics. To quit making excuses, and go do it.

Well, i have to pack my shit for a weekend in Niagara. Funeral to go to.... my Aunt Joan passed away, rather suddenly. So very sad. Anyway, packing and then bedtime.... 

Namaste' 

I Need a Blender...

So wow, it's been forever since my last post, shit.... life's been moving along i guess. Just forward. Not necessarily in a bad way.... I've just become very complacent to say the least. I'm basically just riding out my sentence here and planning my escape as soon as i can do so without it costing me everything again.

Where to begin with the update...work, home, money? Ugh...

Work is a nightmare. I was happy at my job in Niagara, and didn't want to leave it. I won't start in on the complaints about leaving, or why....but nonetheless, i didn't wanna move here, and now that I'm here, i fucking hate my job, and everything to do with it. And since i spend 85% of my time there, this is a problem. I'm sick of the constant micro managing, and back stabbing, and complaining, and bullshit excuses. Niagara was such a well managed site....this one is a joke. A fucking joke to say the least. How many more trackers can we possibly have, before i become a 'tracker specialist'?? Good god.

Home.....well that's an extension of work. I hate living here. Hamilton is disgusting, loud, and full of degenerates. It's like living in lidsville, only it's massive. Nothing but noise, pollution, crime, filth, and disgusting people. I want to go home now. But oh yay, i signed a fucking lease. So while i know this is a first world problem, it's my blog, and yeah..... i simply cannot stand this city. It's just living hell on earth, and i've never been surrounded by so many low life losers all crammed into one small space before. And what the actual fuck is with the ambulances?? Every 2 minutes, there's one passing by, blaring it's sirens, even at 4am. O_o

Money? I'm broke. The end. This apartment is fucking rip off, and i wanna move. Either to a cheaper place, like how *I* wanted when we were searching for apartments, or by myself into a 1 bedroom somewhere. I was showing Jane apartments to look at and she refused. No no no.... to every one of them. She wanted this one, cuz they were giving away a free iPad Mini, which I have a feeling she sold without telling me, because i haven't seen it in over a month. Shouldn't we sell it and split the cash?? I'd love to have moved into one of the cute houses i found, with a porch, and a drive way, and no broken ass elevators, or crackhead neighbors. Ugh...again, first world problems....

Oh well.... I have also recently discovered the word 'Stoic' which is a perfect description for how i am. Very complacent, and easy going these days. I try to not bother anymore with voicing my opinions out loud, because it always falls on deaf ears and accomplishes nothing. 

K, well, I'm heading to bed now. I took a day off today to nurse a throbbing migraine, and needed a day at home alone too. It was nice to enjoy the 'quiet', and to be lazy for a day. Headache's gone, and now i'm just done. 

The diet is not going well at all either. I need a fucking blender, and to buy all the shit i need at once. But i need like $100 to cover it all, from the garcinia to the fruits n veggies n protein powder n shit. Ugh.... maybe i'll get ahead by christmas. I hope to be out of the hole by then. Hahaha, yeah right.... more like next June. I'm just constantly in the negative, and always having to ask for help to pay my shit, and it's killing me. I should not be this broke, and i don't get why i am!! I don't go anywhere, or do anything! WTF! 

Lottery anytime now. Please universe. Please.

Peace. 

M

The Red Table...

I'm feeling defeated again... i realize it's only been two months, but i should be healing by now, and i just feel kicked in the face. Every day is spent just surviving, getting through the day until it's time to sleep again. I look very much forward to sleeping because i don't think about it when im asleep. I never stop thinking about it. Ever. Unless i'm asleep. 

I'm just very good at faking happy, and surviving i guess. 

I honestly wish i didn't wallow in self pity every fucking day. Seriously. I'm just so tired of feeling alone, and miserable, and unwanted, and fat, and like a failure. I know i'm just wallowing, and some of that isn't true, deep down, but when i get in this mood, it's hard to see anything but negative. 

I desperately need a new job, and i AM looking. Every single day i look. Problem is, i have to make more money or the same at least, to stay afloat. I'm able to pay my bills right now, and have enough money left over for gas n stuff, but i wanna be really comfortable. I'm on my own, and have only my debt, so i should have extra money for fun. Anyone know anyone who's hiring? haha....let me know eh? 

I wish i had motivation to do something useful. My office is still not unpacked, and i've lived here for two months. My painting stuff is also not unpacked. I haven't even touched a paintbrush. Nor my guitars, nor my favorite books, drawing, writing, photography, even Minecraft.... nothing. I think about doing things, and then bail. I just want to sleep constantly. Zero motivation. And then i sleep instead, or sit around, and then feel like shit because i wanted to paint, play guitar, take pictures, write, draw, whatever..... and didn't. And so goes the cycle.

I need to move my red table into my office. I think that's a good starting point. If i don't have my table, then i have nothing to work on. Maybe that's where i need to begin. I need help with it though, and i live far from my friends and family, so i do everything alone. Jane doesn't help cuz she has her own life, and i don't expect her to drop everything for me, so solo it is. 

Maybe that's step one? The red table.... move the fucking thing already. And mark it as an accomplishment. Once the table is in here, i can put a box on it, and open said box, and dig out my things that i need to find me again. 

I've honestly never felt so fucking empty. I literally live on auto pilot. Words come out, and i make facial expressions, and even laugh for other's benefit, but i'm numb. I just have nothing, no spark, no excitement, and i simply want to sleep. I fill my day with text messages from men i don't give a shit about, and stay busy being a fucking bitch to my poor team at work, who have done nothing to deserve it. I come home, and wander around the apartment, looking at the walls, and staring at myself in the mirror, hating how things are, and then i go to bed...sleep for a bit, wake up, and around and around we go. 

I miss the spirit i had for my life. I honestly miss the happy soul i had when i first met John. Life was good, and i was loved. And it was fine. Before all the bad stuff. I just miss that happiness and contentment before my Karmic bank called to cash in on the enormous debt i must owe. Fuck karma, fuck the universe, and fuck my life.

Anyway, whatever... bad day today. Guess who's taking an ativan. Tomorrow might be better. I do have some decent days.... never real ones, but decent nonetheless.

Night.

Much to say...

It's been a while since my last entry, sorry about that. Shit hit the fan, and then i had to clean it all up because it stunk. So much shit, everywhere. All tidy now, and the broom and mop are back in the closet, ready if another mess happens. For now, things are calm, and peaceful, and i'm feeling a wee bit better every day that passes. 

So it's been ten days since i last updated things.... feels longer, and feels like more has happened. I've been on vacation for a week, boss recommended which is sad. I was reaching my boiling point, with clumps of hair falling out (still is), shaking physically, eyes twitching, not eating, the whole nine yards. So vacation it is. Today is my last day too, which sucks. I needed this week off from my life. Just 10 days of quiet, and doing nothing at all. 

I visited my mom, and Ally and Jack and the kids, and saw my friend Tara (name changed for privacy) whom i truly enjoyed seeing after five months! We sat at a Starbucks, and what i intended to be a quick chat cuz i was exhausted, turned into almost two hours of constant banter and dishing and awesome conversation. That was so nice, and it was so nice to see her again :) 

I went to a beach bonfire, with friends.... seeing the ex there, even though i only dated him for 5 seconds, i still consider him an ex cuz we made out some, and shared intimate details with each other.... ex but not an ex.... it's weird seeing him around now. There's little looks, and awkward waves, and i wish i could go back and not have dated him so it's not all fuckin weird and shit now. Whatever.... it is what it is. The fire was so nice, and i got to chat with Jack's sister Marla and her bestest friend ever Tasha, and we blabbered on and on and laughed and told stories about the heart aches we've endured, and it was just really great. 

I wished Jeff had shown up.... i'm so nervous about meeting him, but i do want to meet him very much. He too is very nervous, and we're both terrified of being hurt again, because we've both crawled out from a horrific train wreck, and never wanna ride a train again. Anyway, i wished he would come out, but at least he talked to me all night while i was there. We talk every day, which is nice. Today he texted me first thing, to say good morning of course, and to inform me that he called in sick, that the power was out from a storm, and that this is not acceptable, because he wanted to build stuff in the garage, hahaa.  It was actually pretty cute:) He also shaved off his goatee, which i do not care for, but whatever... he also stated he regrets the shit out of it, so that means it's being grown back, thank GOD. Can't have two sleeves of tattoos, chestpiece, and neck, kickass black glasses, and the whole damn badass look..... and no goatee/beard. Or can you? Hmmm.... now i'm gonna grow a beard and find out. Lol.... I will meet soon, and i hope it's as great as it has been this past 5 weeks. :) I'm willing to wait it out, and go slow to not rush a good thing.... and to not get too attached too quickly. It's a losing battle.... ugh....

What else what else...

I am dreading work tomorrow. I can't even put it to words. I have anxiety thinking about it to be honest. I fucking hate that shit hole, and i wanna just quit. But i have no god damn choice, cuz i have bills to pay. Oh well.... i'm constantly searching for a new job, but it has to pay at least what i make or more, so..... yeah. I'm fucked. 

Well, my last day of vacation, and i'm exhausted.... i'm going to lay down. Slight headache from the storm that kicked ass earlier. 

Bleh.... 

M

Time to Breathe...

Over the past week, i have reached my maximum limit for bullshit. I've not only discovered that John was dating his skeeze-homewrecker-teen-slut, Amber Pfohl, or is it Amber Wilson according to facebook.... not changing her name cuz she's a little homewrecker, and homewreckers should be shot and pissed on......ever since mid-May (we were still very much together, living together, the whole deal) but possibly sooner. She knew we were still together, and is a little fucking skank. Anyway, he dropped his bomb about wanting a "healing separation" on May 4th. This, amongst about 100 other new pieces of devastating information, discovered from Shane and Lorri whom i'll explain in a sec, have made me reach my absolute max. I simply cannot hear any more information. 

I have re-kindled my friendship with Shane and Lorri (names changed for privacy) whom were told by John not to talk to me, and that i hated them. They too were told i was mad at them and I didn't want to hear from them either. John was actively keeping us from communicating. Well, when i discovered he's been having an affair this whole time, i contacted them because i emailed his girlfriend. I knew once he found out (or so i thought) he would have an emotional break and need support. During my contact with Shane and Lorri, all of this new information came out. There was so emotional break and no support needed, because he's a smooth operator, and lied his way out of his affair/lies/cheating/bullshit somehow, and Amber bought it. What a stupid ass little homewrecker. Fucking asshats, both of them.

But now i need to place John, and all of his bullshit, on a shelf. I have no choice but to deal with him further due to money issues, but for now, i'm taking a break from him. I'm going to do my very best, to simply not think about or talk about John L. Bishop. (name not changed, cuz as i've said before, who gives a flying fuck about his privacy). He has consumed more than his fair share of my heart, and my life, and i am choosing to put a stop to it. As best i can. Until mid-september at least.... or as long as my Mom is willing to not take him to court. That's a story for another day.

It's good to know though; all this new information. It really is. I am more solidified than i have ever been, that he is dead to me. Before all of this, i will admit, that just a 0.01% little piece of my heart still had faith, that maybe in a few years........ NOPE. 

Being THIS done, actually feels good. I feel good knowing it's over with, and i never ever have to be made to feel like an old, used dirty rag, ever again. 

I've also been on POF alot lately, and have been talking to many guys, the count has reached like 30 now of the men who have come and gone...... but this one man, not boy, MAN, has stuck with me, still talking every single day, and still comfortable as ever..... we'll call him Jeff, for his privacy. 

Jeff is a calm, quiet, easy going man, with really great interests, and a gentle soul. He's polite, and soft and genuine, honest and even timid at a times. I clearly realize i've not met him yet, and i'm only judging by our many talks.....but i have gotten a good feel for his personality so far, and so far, i'm hooked! 

And he's hot. Hot as hell. And i'm gonna bite him. 

Off to work now! Slowly but surely, somehow, someway, life is going to be good again.... even if it kills me. 

M

Shit is Gonna Hit the Fan...

So my 'source' whom shall remain nameless, informed me that he's been dating his roommate for quite some time now, and they seem like 'they're happy and in love' from what my source can gather. My heart stopped beating when i heard this news. I could feel it, like a balloon quickly deflating down to nothing but a wrinkled little tiny shell of nothing. I threw up. I cried. And then i was angry. 

Angry doesn't even begin to touch on how I feel right now really. He just makes me so sick. Such a liar. What a fucking lying waste of space. And to think all this time, I'm blogging about how sad i am, and how i miss him so..... fuck off. 

So out of anger, and revenge, I emailed his little girlfriend. I figured if he's gonna lie to me like this, he's gonna get his shit torn apart. I do feel badly because if they really are "in love" or whatever, she will be hurt deeply, and i don't wish that kind of heart wrenching agony on any person.....except John. I honestly hope this destroys him. Evil? Nope. It's my fucking turn to burn his ass. 

I was kind in my email to her, because frankly, it's not her fault. He's a master at his game, and has for sure been lying to her too about me. I guarantee she has no clue that he spent most of last week, while she was in Jamaica, with me. (don't lecture me, i don't wanna hear it, i know it was stupid). And while he was with me, we weren't just hangin' out like friends. We were in my bed. The entire time. No need for further details there. 

Anyway, i'm awaiting the bomb. I sent the message to her yesterday, but haven't heard anything yet. I'm just waiting for it. My phone is gonna blow up when she sees that message....either she's gonna confront him or he's gonna confront me, or she's going to call me like i asked her to. Either way, i can't wait to put his bullshit to bed, once and for all. 

They're going on a 'family camping trip'....just him, her and his daughter. Yeah, he introduced them....he was also at her parents last night too. Sounds like something real eh? Not for long. 

God i hope his heart is torn out of his fucking chest. I hope it bleeds, and stings, and i hope he's miserable and alone. 

I also hope to let go of these horrific wishes and feelings, because that is not who i am. I don't wish evil on people. Ever. 

Anyway, off to work! Friday! Thank GOD! 

M

Picture This...

So i was editing some photos tonight, and i really love this one... it shows my amazing tattoos, and my mouth looks hot. I kinda wanna make out with myself a little. Cocky? yeah.... whatever. 

Anyway, it's been a decent weekend. Apparently i looked hot last night, and thin!! I'm losing a bit of weight which is fantastic, but i need to drop 50 in like a week.

Oh well, i work tomorrow, and this one is a short entry. I'm so exhausted, and have had a headache all fucking day, and it's lorazepam time baby!! Woot. I'm gonna pop one of those bad boys, and take a trek to sleepy town. 

I still miss him, but am feeling less clingy. If that makes any sense. There's a tiny spec in the back of my heart that hopes he shows up one day, all shiny and new, and has undeniable evidence of magnificent changes made, and then everything goes back to awesome, before Karen (name not changed for privacy cuz who gives a fuck about the homewrecking skank). 

Ahhhhhhhh........ 

Night.

Weddings....Ugh....

So not to be bitter, but i'm going to a stupid wedding today, not the whole thing thank god, but nonetheless, a wedding. This is hard for me, because i have to be happy for the new couple and wish them well, and slap on a smile. What i'm really feeling is bitter and pissed off, and i hate weddings. 

I should be putting the final touches on my own wedding, next month. It was going to be the start of something beautiful, and it crashed and burned and i got ripped off. Again. 

Anyway, i'm going to do my very best today to have a good day, and i need to try to lay off the lorazepam. So i'm gonna shower, and put on something comfortable, and head to Niagara and see my mom, and then i'm gonna go to this wedding, and wish the happy couple all the best. 

Bleh...

Been a while...

So it's been what seems forever, since i last posted here....

I don't have much news, persay. Same annoying anxiety everyday, same sadness, BUT i am feeling a change and feeling like it's getting just 0.001% easier each day. 

I bought an iPhone today, which was exciting. iPhone5 to be exact. My bb has annoyed me for the last time with it's freezing and shit... so i said fuck it, i'm going to get a new damned phone and whatever about the cost. They can bill me, and i will pay for it later, lol

I've been on POF as well.... talking to quite a few guys, and although it's a hell of a confidence boost, i feel like maybe it's too soon? Maybe not? There's one in particular who has my interest, and we will call him Charlie for privacy.... he seems genuine, and honest, so that's a great start! Still though, slow as molasses in January is what i need. Like, a snails pace.

I'm trying to think if i have any other news.... nothing really. vacation coming up, the week of the 19th, so THAT is a fucking BONUS. Christ i need a week, to just not go to that place. I love my job, but fuck me, the client i work for is a NIGHTMARE. The people are great though, and i could not possibly ask for a better boss. He is just beyond understanding and very forgiving with my lates and sick days. I'll pull my head out of my ass and give 110% again and it will all be well worth it! 

Anyway, just thought i should get on here, and update this thing.... 

I'm gonna play with my new phone, and lay in bed tonight, and just think about what I need and want. 

Wedding tomorrow, seeing some old friends, and seeing Ally and Jack, so that is ALWAYS a good thing for me. They truly are my family. 

Night...

End of a GOOD Day...

That's right. You heard me. I had a GOOD day today. The whole day. Minus a minor headache incident, which i treated with coffee and tylenol #3....yes i mentioned i missed him earlier, but it wasn't painful and i haven't had any sadness all day long. Instead, i literally went with the Eat Pray Love philosophy, and "missed him, and dropped it".

I stated in today's previous post that i hoped to fuck i could hold onto this good feeling....and i did it!! Tomorrow could suck, and i could very well have a shit day, but i don't think about that shit when i'm having a good one. I'm proud of myself, that i spent the entire day by myself and was happy about it!!! 

Anyway, i updated y'all enough in my last post of the days events, so i won't drone on. I'm gonna go into my bedroom and relax and put my books away on my lil' bookshelf.My Buddha statue is set up in his spot too, bringing me a constant reminder of impermanence.And for those who think that sounds like a bad thing, it's truly not. Impermanence, very simply explained - nothing lasts forever. This includes everything from life to love to heartache and grief. Everything ends eventually.

I'm trying this new thing where i accomplish at least one small productive act per day, instead of sitting on my fat ass from the moment i walk in the door, till bedtime. When i accomplish things, i feel great about them! Even just moving a small bookcase is enough to give me that feeling :) 

Night!

Chilly and Calm...

Yesterday, i spent the day with my mom, and honestly had a relaxed afternoon for a change. We went to Port Colborne, and she bought me a new pair of awesome cherry print flip flops, and for those who know me well, this is like giving an 8-ball to a coke head. I love me some shoes. Then we went back to Mom's and had a yummy bbq, and ate everything, and talked and just had a really good day all around. 

I went to Ally and Jack's place afterwards, and the relaxing and chatting continued until i realize the frigging time, and flew home. NOT because i was expected and NOT because i had to. Because i wanted to be home, and that was a nice feeling that i realized when i started driving. I said to myself, 'hey, you're heading home cuz you said so, not cuz you have to hurry up and be there....nice.' 

Anyway, my Mom gave me this really cool magazine called "Law of Attraction" which at first glance sounded like a magazine on how to date people properly. It's soooooo not a dating magazing. This magazine is packed with article after article on everything you could need to learn about love, life, money, spirituality, etc.... Thanks Mom!!! I'm hooked! :) 

So Ally posted this thing called '16 ways i Blew My Marriage" on facebook, and i gave it a read of course, since, if you're reading my blog, you know i blew my marriage, very very recently. Well, there's an additional 15 items, for a total of 31 ways to do it right next time. I wanted to share this with as many people as possible, because i connected with and agreed with every single one of the things Dan talks about. All of it.

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

So, it's Sunday, it's freezing in my apartment, and i am loving the peace and quiet cold environment. Jane just got home from a waterpark, and i think is laying down or something cuz it's really quiet in her room. So im gonna read my magazine, and have a little lunch, then a short nap, then my task of the day is to move my bookcase to my bedroom and fill it up with all of my books. 

I still miss him, of course, as it's only been five minutes since we ended....but today is going ok. I feel calm, and relaxed, and hope to fuck i can hang onto this feeling, at least till tomorrow. 

Likely as update later.... 

M xo

Been Up and Down...

I'm gonna keep this shit short and sweet. It's hot as fuck, i can't breathe, and i seriously think i have heatstroke. No jokes. When i complain that my room is excessively hot, i mean it's so bad it's hurting my head and my blood pressure is through the roof. I went welfare tonight, and bought tin foil, and covered the windows....so pathetic that i'm fucking living like this, when i should be living in OUR house, living OUR life, like how we fucking planned. 

Ugh.... instead, i'll go to bed, by my fucking self, once again. 

Anyway, nothing worth blogging has happened, it's just hot as hell, and i'm showering three times a day, literally. I'm closing this week at work, and tomorrow is my last one, then i have some day shifts. So that will be good. 

I'm also headed to Welland this Saturday, and would like to see my Mom, then Ally and Jack (name changed for privacy) and then even see my Dad. Ambitious, i know. I'm toying with sleeping at my Mom's which would be nice so i can get a nice long visit in, and not have to drive back to Hamilton and waste gas i can't afford. 

Speaking of money, fuck ME. This arrangement with Jane was supposed to fucking SAVE me money. Not cost me, and i'm already getting frustrated with it. it's not been one month. Ugh. Long story, and i'm not gonna bash on the internet so long story short, she don't make enough cashola to cover the lifestyle she signed up for. I just wish she'd make some cut backs and live cheap for a bit. Oh well.... 

Anyway, i have a pounding headache now.... heat + barometric pressure + impending fake thunderstorm = migraine. Yay. 

I'm wearing my Guns n Roses short tomorrow, with my ghetto flip flops that i love and refuse to throw away, and my stretchy capris. Mmmmmmm comfy. 

There's a guy, hammered, outside, 17 floors down, that i can hear screaming so loud it's as though i'm on the 1st floor. 

So glad i moved here. Good thing. 

Night.

Started out as a good day.....

....and then i don't know. Anxiety hit me in the face like a kick in the throat, which is a terrible anology, but you get the drift. 

I got little accomplished today, and just had a grey cloud of shit over my head that just would not fuck off. I just felt this detached, upset, gloomy, fucking miserable cloud of shit all day long. 

I'm still having waves of missing him....it's every day. I work through it, and try to just be happy with living my life, and eventually changing who i am , but i'm so stuck in a rut it's like i can't move because i'm cemented to the ground. It's like i have black glasses on over my eyes, and i can't see anything in front of me...not even 5 minutes forward. All i can see or focus on is the current shitty mood.....and then why why why why why why i ask myself, why did this happen, and why me, and why now.....fack.

I feel like i'm rambling, not really putting anything with merit into this entry. Just bitching and crabbing as usual. I hate my life, i hate myself, i hate my accomplishments, i hate everything. I know it will get better, and it's just right now, and i have to just keep moving forward. 

I'm just cranky. And i'm running low on ativan. fml. 

OH! On a much more happy note..... wow, something fucking good, can you believe it? 

I finally got my new book in the mail today!! "The Five Minute Buddhist" by Brian Schell. I'm going to peruse the pages tonight when i head to bed. I've lost my faith in everything, and need to get back to focusing every single day on my religion of no religion, and becoming more centred. 

I was talking with a co-worker / friend, whom i will name Jenny for her privacy, and she has been through almost exactly the same thing. 4 years, marriage, built her life around him, cheating and lies, hearts broken, moving out, financial stress, you name it, she's also experienced it. Anyway, she wrote a poem and gave it to me, which was SUCH a kind gesture. We talked and had a smoke, and she reminded me to focus on getting my confidence back. 

It's so damned true. I have absolutely NO confidence, or self esteem (bad or good) and my self image is "you're going to be fucking alone, for the rest of your life, because no man is going to want an old brokenhearted, sad woman". Poo but true. 

Anyway, i'm forcing it, one day at a time. Today sucked, tomorrow will be better i hope. 

Good night. 

A shorty...

Not feeling much like bloggin' today, but i promised myself, i will do this every single day, no excuses. 

Waking up was hot and sticky and annoying, but alas...i slept for i think 8 hours?!? EIGHT. I got up at my usual 3:42am, stumbled to the balcony and had a smoke, and went back to bed. Aside from that, i actually slept!! That doesn't happen!! 

So off to work, knowing the client was on site today, and tomorrow too...yay. Gotta put my big girl pants on and be extra bossy. Speaking of bossy, i let someone go today, and this person's reaction was about as excited as a hockey stick. She just kinda sat there, and was like "oh.....ok." I never enjoy letting people go though...no matter what, it's serious, and it's someone's lively hood. Anyway, that was stressful for me....not sure why. Usually it's very clinical, in and out. 

Work took for fucking ever too.....like, holy fuckin time can MOVE already. Shit. I felt like i was there for days!! I was busy too though, working on stuff and checkin' shit off my list, but daaammmnnn..... Home time was glorious. 

He texted me today. Just to say hi, and say sorry that he didn't text me for a while. I always find this perplexing, because he's the one who flat out said "having to text you is not helpful to me at all. how is that giving me space???"..... ever since he said that, i stopped completely. And then he messages me like this out of nowhere, and it sends me on an emotional rollercoaster. So i got upset, and told him that, and idk, i guess it pissed him off that god forbid i speak my mind....cuz he got all stupid and said he regretted even texting in the first place. Ouch. Thanks.

I miss him. And i don't want to anymore.

Fuck.

All in all...

Today could be considered a rather good day. 

Despite zero sleep. I bought his cologne, in hopes it would soothe me, and it sort of did, but it only reminded me more of him, so i laid there all missing him and sad, and then my brain wouldn't shut off, so i barely slept. Not news. 

Anyway, despite being exhausted, i got up and got dressed, my hair did a decent thing, and i only had a tiny headache today. (i have a headache everyday, and have for months). Once i got my coffee, i was even better. So far, ok....this days not gone to shit quite yet. 

I get to work, still ok. I'm easing in, like 'oh come on, something has to go wrong". Idk, the whole day was just busy, and i hustled and bustled through work, which was super busy, and before i knew it, it was home time. 

Tonight, i got home, had a sammich and some potato salad, and had a chat with Ally on facebook as per usual, which was great. 

Sadly, there was a lull in our conversation where she got busy with the kiddies, and i began to miss him. Just missing his touch and scent really. Having him around. Things i took for granted i guess, like having a mans chest to lay my head on. He truly is oh so comfortable to lay with. There's a place on his chest where i nestled right in, and it smelled so great, i could breathe him in forever. 

But that's gone now. And i bought myself some man in a can (Axe) so i can pretend like a loser at bedtime. 

Speaking of bedtime......fuck me, it's late. And i'm exhausted. Ugh.....

If i can't sleep i'll come back and write more. Otherwise, night y''all.....

Monday's are Poop...

I woke up feeling dazed and hungover, despite the fact that i don't drink, but once i had my coffee and took a tylenol i felt alright for the day. Man was it frikking hot as fuck. I had two showers today, just to cool down and that didn't help much, since my apartment is like a god damn oven, set to 450. 

Around 7 it got nice and cool, with a great breeze passing through, so that was a welcome change. I was chatting with Ally on facebook, and a walmart bag flew by, but like in the air near the ceiling...haha, kinda funny.

Doing laundry was far more work than it should have been as well. I had one effing load. It took 2.5 hours. I finally got my laundry card thing to work, with the help of the handsome maintenance guy that works/lives here, and then he gave me directions and off i went to what i thought was a piece of cake. He's pretty. Just sayin. Anyway, i get there, to the 7th floor, cuz that makes sense...and all the washers are in fucking use. There's some Indian lady sucking up 5 of em, and her little brat is running around trying to pull open the washer doors while in use....ugh....

Anyway, i waited it out, stood there for 25 minutes, finally got my load in....hahahaha, load....and put the soap in the bleach compartment. Fack. came out clean. Whatev. Same situation with the dryers....like can i just do a fucking load of laundry fuck? JUST ONE. 

So laundry done, i set off to shoppers x2...1 on Barton to get one prescription, cuz they refuse to transfer it to the Shoppers across the street from my house, and the other....across the street. I got some hair shit too. Came home, had a shower, ate a sammich, watched a show about the holocaust, and then chatted with Ally for a bit...windy shit happened, had a smoke, and now i'm taking a break from folding the ridiculous mountain of clothing on my bed. 

OH, and then there's smelly vajay-jay chick.....people in this building fucking stink. seriously. this one chick got on the elevator and i could literally smell her crotch. She was a big lady, covered in sweat, hauling bags of food, and grunting like a mule. I wish i had febreeze on me, seriously....wtf. lol....gross. 

Anyway, all in all, today was what i would categorize as a good day. I still miss him. He's familiar. But when i think about today's events, we would have argued about the laundry, and watched what he wanted to watch, and i must admit i enjoyed the control i had over today's events. Although boring, regular everyday events, i did it in my order, how i wanted to, when i felt like it. That was nice i guess. 

Bedtime is coming...i have to work at 9am, so it's coming soon, and i have no choice but to go in there and i'm dreading it. I'm gonna lay in the middle tonight, like last night, and try to "hog" the bed and make it mine. 

I look forward to work tomorrow. Air conditioning, and a welcome distraction from being fucking alone 24/7. I know it's not Jane's problem, but it would be nice if she remembered that when i'm off and home alone all fuckin' day long, i DO look forward to seeing her, and chat and have a smoke and stuff. Instead she's getting stoned with her friends. Great. I know i know, we're roommates, not dating, and she in no way has to entertain me at all....i'm just really lonely and whiny and needy right now. Oh well... back to folding clothes...

And then Good night. :) 

p.s. i also bought myself a thing of his axe spray to make the bedroom smell familiar at least. it's soothing. shut up. 

Monday Off...

Jane's gone for work, so i'm home alone all day today. I hate being alone all day long. I pace around and try to stay busy, but it's so foreign to me to be by myself, so i'm kinda lost. 

My building has an electronic laundry card system, kinda like a reloadable credit card thing. Of course, it's not working for me...why would it be? That would be too easy. SO, now i need to go down and deal with the building people and figure that out, then do laundry. I have quite a pile to get done too, so let's pray for big washers!! 

I've procrastinated cleaning the office, and putting away all my clothes. Its just been so fucking hot out, and there's no air in the building so it's just......hot. Still, dead, hot air. At night it's not so bad, but by that time i'm exhausted and so goes the viscous cycle of doing nothing at all. 

Today is only moderately hot out, and there's actually a decent breeze, so i'm going to pull my ass away from the computer and at the very least get my clothes put away. 

I hate that i had to fucking move, and relocate all my shit to a new apartment, in a new life, against my will.....but i'm here now, and i'm TRYING to make it my own. 

Once i get ahead financially, it will be better. I was supposed to have been able to save money right from day one, but well moving is expensive and saving money will have to wait till August or September now. Ugh....

Let's go talk to the laundry guy, shall we?

I'll try to keep this thing updated.... not so good at blogging daily, so....ttyl, perhaps :)  

---

Update.....i head down, laundry basket in hand, all set for my big washy adventure! Got ma card, got ma soap, yep.....i put soap in the fuckin bleach compartment. So with any luck, which i have none, my clothes won't come out with white spots all over them. That would be bad, given it's a load of my work clothes, and i work in the morning. 

Lessons learned along the way i guess. Chock it up to being a noob. 

Swimming, Not Drowning...

A poem i am in love with...found on deviant art, credits will be included below the poem itself. Please enjoy. 

when you're waist-deep in a love you know you shouldn't have even dipped your toes into, you spend a lot of time cursing the current. you try to stamp your feet but find the sand's up to your ankles and seaweed is tied in bows around your calves. the waves begin to climb, breaking on your collarbones and splashing your face. breath seems to take up more space in your chest. you bring air into your body in the shortest bursts possible and it spills back out like machine gun fire.

sometimes, though-- mostly in the first hours after sunrise, when you're alone with the space she inhabited on your couch and her perfume on the back of your knees-- you plunge your face below the surface and smile up at the sky, dragging your arms through the water just to feel its resistance against your skin. you pretend that holding your breath is a decision you're choosing to make rather than a necessity for survival. you pretend the waves are lively and invigorating instead of terrifying and beyond your control. you gulp in water like you're fighting dehydration and you pretend that you're swimming, not drowning.

you wash up on the shore and crawl to the only pay phone in the city and leave messages like, "i dreamed about you a few nights ago. my hair had grown out to my waist, like it was when we became friends, and you used it to tie my wrists together while you kissed me on the kitchen floor. our fingers met on the lock of my front door and the touch vibrated up our arms and into our lips, pulling them together.

"we went to the house that only seems to exist in my head, next to the park that really exists on the other side of town. in the living room, we put on a series of one act plays for the grandfather clock and the dusty floorboards. in the basement, you placed your knee between my knees and i put my hand between your hands.

"i woke up and my arm was covered in hotel room numbers and my legs were spotted with fingerprint bruises. there was a band-aid on my left palm and i was disoriented because the sun was setting and lately, i haven't had time to fall asleep in the afternoon-- not like i used to. there was a picture of you kissing someone open in a tab that i'd forgotten about. there are no pictures of us together-- not like that. that should probably tell me something about secrets, but i doubt i'll ever learn. i've never been good at moving on-- not like you."

your voice cracks from exhaustion and salt water.

 

Credit: 

http://satah.deviantart.com/art/swimming-not-drowning-266095416

 

Amazing. Today, i'm swimming... Good Night All. 

 

 

 

Seven...One Full Week...

It's been seven days. I packed my life into boxes, put it in a truck, and moved into this apartment i'm at now. And aside from the circumstances, it's not too bad. Nice place, amazing view...you guessed it, from the 17th floor. 

The last seven days have been a clusterfuck of emotionally explosive, oddly calm, and anxiety driven behavior. I am working on letting it go, and to me that is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I loved him for years, and gave him my heart, which he still has in his wallet for safekeeping. And he never wants to talk. 

May 4th was when he informed me he felt space was necessary. We agreed to June 30th as a move date, since he was taking off to Disney with his mother, and daughter...without me....don't get me started on that. We were supposed to be doing a healing separation, where we live apart for a while, do some work on our problems, and come back together and be stronger than ever!! Sounded kinda fucked up but ok to me after i researched it, and talked to my therapist about it.... so we agreed June 30th would be good, give us both time to find a place, pack, clean, organize, and help each other through it. June 14th was when he left. He came home from work, no warning at all, packed his shit, and just went.

Even that deal, he broke. And it was quite awful, to say the very least. It was so bad that night, i can't even talk about it, and i don't want to.

Since May 4th, i have been in agony. Not to dwell and go on about it, but it's my blog, and well... you're choosing to read it, so....

Over the last four years, i have felt more negative emotion, than any one person should ever feel, in my opinion. I've been heartbroken several times, all by the same man; lied to, cheated on; you name it. And somehow, i love him. Still, to this day. 

Stockholm syndrome? Or true love? I really don't know at this point. 

So once i moved, since that's what this topic is about, the day was spent sweating and rushing and dealing with people i don't know. When bedtime came, let me tell you, what an absolute rush of emotion. I've never felt my eyes throw up so hard, and my heart beat so violently. After everyone had gone home, and my roomie whom we call Jane in this blog for her privacy, had gone to bring her friends home, i just stood there in the living room, frozen in time. I couldn't move. I just looked around, and saw the mess of my life and wanted to die. (not literally, relax)

Bedtime, as i said, was awful. I laid in our bed, that we shared together, and stared at his spot. I couldn't stop the explosive waves of emotion and just begged for him to come to me and fix it. Just for the night. Instead, he didn't answer any of my messages, on the hardest day of my life, and it was overall, a really bad day. 

Again, sorry i'm all doom and gloom, but you're choosing to read....

This has been a very very bad week, and the last several entries were from this week, all uploaded at once. Just messy clamoring thoughts throughout the day and night, hazy and unclear, but whatever.....

Gimme a Six!...

Written on July 6th, 2013 - 1:31am - Posted July 7th, 2013

Six days in. I simply want to cry. I'm having a bad "missing him" day.....I miss him so bad.

My heart is so fucking broken, and I'm trying really hard to be ok with this, but this just hurts so much, and I just feel so deeply betrayed, and hurt, and backstabbed, and confused, and lost. And i've researched and stuff, and everything i read says not to go on and on too much to the people you're confiding in, because they will grow tired of hearing it.... so that's why i started this blog. SO i have a vent space, that people can CHOOSE to listen to it, and if not, then close it. :)

As I'm writing this, I'm blinded by tears, because today is a bad day. Some days are ok, but yep, now today is not a good day at all. I simply miss him. I saw 'now" today is not a good day, because today was actually great! Ally came to see me at my new place, we went for lunch and Talize and spent some solid time together. I felt great when she left...and then this hit me. Ugh....day ruined. That really sucks too, because i had SUCH a great time with Ally... just catching up and chatting and being goofs and laughing.... only the evening part of the day was ruined really. Nothing can damage the early part :)

Anyway, I'm so tired of being alone. I spend every minute, alone. Jane is here yes, but she's off doing her own things, which is totally fine because we're roommates, not dating, lol. All I want from him is to talk. And that is so much of a task for him.And when i say i'm tired of being alone, i don't mean day 6.....i mean i've been alone since May 4th, and even previous to that. It's getting really fucking old.

Sorry again....just not writing nice happy stuff these days....very depressing, i know.

Ugh, I just feel so fucking sad. Today, I have no hope for anything, and am simply existing right now. Going through the motions of day to day life. On auto pilot. 

I miss him. I just want to put my arms around him, and breathe him in, just for a moment.But i know that's a bad bad bad idea, and although yes, the moment of would be bliss, the aftermath and damage it would cause isn't worth it.....i don't think? It would be a massive set back, and although i'm struggling, oh my GOD i am so so so much better than even just 2 weeks ago. 

The months of May and June, i literally went to work, and went to bed. Period. Slept and worked. Jane came by to visit periodically, and i watched some tv in there....but seriously, rock bottom, laid in bed. The world could have ended. Who cares. I'm MUCH better now. SO SO much better. Just not quite at the finish line yet.... i'm headed there though, and i'll get there. I just need to feel my feelings, and be sad if i'm sad. 

"I miss him"

"So miss him" 

"I love him" 

"So love him....then drop it."

I just proof read my post...wow, how depressing. Ahh well... better days ahead...