Seven...One Full Week...

It's been seven days. I packed my life into boxes, put it in a truck, and moved into this apartment i'm at now. And aside from the circumstances, it's not too bad. Nice place, amazing view...you guessed it, from the 17th floor. 

The last seven days have been a clusterfuck of emotionally explosive, oddly calm, and anxiety driven behavior. I am working on letting it go, and to me that is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I loved him for years, and gave him my heart, which he still has in his wallet for safekeeping. And he never wants to talk. 

May 4th was when he informed me he felt space was necessary. We agreed to June 30th as a move date, since he was taking off to Disney with his mother, and daughter...without me....don't get me started on that. We were supposed to be doing a healing separation, where we live apart for a while, do some work on our problems, and come back together and be stronger than ever!! Sounded kinda fucked up but ok to me after i researched it, and talked to my therapist about it.... so we agreed June 30th would be good, give us both time to find a place, pack, clean, organize, and help each other through it. June 14th was when he left. He came home from work, no warning at all, packed his shit, and just went.

Even that deal, he broke. And it was quite awful, to say the very least. It was so bad that night, i can't even talk about it, and i don't want to.

Since May 4th, i have been in agony. Not to dwell and go on about it, but it's my blog, and well... you're choosing to read it, so....

Over the last four years, i have felt more negative emotion, than any one person should ever feel, in my opinion. I've been heartbroken several times, all by the same man; lied to, cheated on; you name it. And somehow, i love him. Still, to this day. 

Stockholm syndrome? Or true love? I really don't know at this point. 

So once i moved, since that's what this topic is about, the day was spent sweating and rushing and dealing with people i don't know. When bedtime came, let me tell you, what an absolute rush of emotion. I've never felt my eyes throw up so hard, and my heart beat so violently. After everyone had gone home, and my roomie whom we call Jane in this blog for her privacy, had gone to bring her friends home, i just stood there in the living room, frozen in time. I couldn't move. I just looked around, and saw the mess of my life and wanted to die. (not literally, relax)

Bedtime, as i said, was awful. I laid in our bed, that we shared together, and stared at his spot. I couldn't stop the explosive waves of emotion and just begged for him to come to me and fix it. Just for the night. Instead, he didn't answer any of my messages, on the hardest day of my life, and it was overall, a really bad day. 

Again, sorry i'm all doom and gloom, but you're choosing to read....

This has been a very very bad week, and the last several entries were from this week, all uploaded at once. Just messy clamoring thoughts throughout the day and night, hazy and unclear, but whatever.....