Gimme a Six!...

Written on July 6th, 2013 - 1:31am - Posted July 7th, 2013

Six days in. I simply want to cry. I'm having a bad "missing him" day.....I miss him so bad.

My heart is so fucking broken, and I'm trying really hard to be ok with this, but this just hurts so much, and I just feel so deeply betrayed, and hurt, and backstabbed, and confused, and lost. And i've researched and stuff, and everything i read says not to go on and on too much to the people you're confiding in, because they will grow tired of hearing it.... so that's why i started this blog. SO i have a vent space, that people can CHOOSE to listen to it, and if not, then close it. :)

As I'm writing this, I'm blinded by tears, because today is a bad day. Some days are ok, but yep, now today is not a good day at all. I simply miss him. I saw 'now" today is not a good day, because today was actually great! Ally came to see me at my new place, we went for lunch and Talize and spent some solid time together. I felt great when she left...and then this hit me. Ugh....day ruined. That really sucks too, because i had SUCH a great time with Ally... just catching up and chatting and being goofs and laughing.... only the evening part of the day was ruined really. Nothing can damage the early part :)

Anyway, I'm so tired of being alone. I spend every minute, alone. Jane is here yes, but she's off doing her own things, which is totally fine because we're roommates, not dating, lol. All I want from him is to talk. And that is so much of a task for him.And when i say i'm tired of being alone, i don't mean day 6.....i mean i've been alone since May 4th, and even previous to that. It's getting really fucking old.

Sorry again....just not writing nice happy stuff these days....very depressing, i know.

Ugh, I just feel so fucking sad. Today, I have no hope for anything, and am simply existing right now. Going through the motions of day to day life. On auto pilot. 

I miss him. I just want to put my arms around him, and breathe him in, just for a moment.But i know that's a bad bad bad idea, and although yes, the moment of would be bliss, the aftermath and damage it would cause isn't worth it.....i don't think? It would be a massive set back, and although i'm struggling, oh my GOD i am so so so much better than even just 2 weeks ago. 

The months of May and June, i literally went to work, and went to bed. Period. Slept and worked. Jane came by to visit periodically, and i watched some tv in there....but seriously, rock bottom, laid in bed. The world could have ended. Who cares. I'm MUCH better now. SO SO much better. Just not quite at the finish line yet.... i'm headed there though, and i'll get there. I just need to feel my feelings, and be sad if i'm sad. 

"I miss him"

"So miss him" 

"I love him" 

"So love him....then drop it."

I just proof read my post...wow, how depressing. Ahh well... better days ahead...