This one's a doozy. Had a very bad night, and am feeling very blackened right now, so if you don't want a total and complete downer, don't read.
A watched pot never boils. I don't believe this to be true.
I have been scouring my life, paying attention to every broken, fucked up detail lately, and every so often the pot boils over despite being "watched" oh so intently. Perhaps it's because i'm staring directly at it, that it explodes all over the place.... just every so often.
I was at work today, as i am most days just like everyone else... that's not my complaint. At the end of the night, around 10:30pm, my boss whom i adore to pieces, put me into a training code to let me off the phones for a bit and still manage to be productive. During the last training module, there were examples to help me learn the stuff being taight in a scenario type layout, where they say things like 'if sally wants to upgrade her phone, but jimmy is the one with upgrade elibility, how would you... blah blah blah". Well the last one was about "John, and how he wanted to upgrade his phone" and this sent me on a wildly intense anxiety/panic/sadness attack. Why you ask? Besides the obvious name being repeatedly said over and over and over and over, i think about 20 times?
Well i hate that name. The only "John" i can somewhat stomach is the new baby boy that a friend of mine recently had, and my god is he adorable. Aside from direct reference to him, the adorable baby, the sound of the name John literally makes me cringe to my core.
What's worse; the entire hatteras incident... you know, the one where he tried to throw me out of a 4th story window?... yeah, that came flooding back, because I recall vividly, the enraged violent phsycial fight we had because i purposely smashed his cell phone, (yes purposely and no i'm not sorry) so he couldn't keep sneaking off to text his first mistress. I don't know, i guess i totally snapped. (it was the day after i got home from this vacation from hell, that i discovered Buddhism, fyi) That was such a horribly bad night. I ended up with fractured ribs and collar bone, welts everywhere, bruised thighs, and choke marks on my neck. Seriously... very fucking bad. (not a pity party, i'm past the 'feeling sorry for myself' stages. but it flashed back, so i'm talking about it now because it's relavant to the story).
And what's even WORSE than that??? I stayed. Another 3 years i stayed. What the actual fucking fuck is wrong with me?? I chose to stay with someone who could try to push me through a window, 4 stories up. He had me pinned against the glass, and i could only brace against the window frame to keep the glass from breaking behind me. Unreal.
ANYWAY.. back on track. (sorry, i go on what i call memory tangents sometimes and it kinda spills out). So i was doing this training thing, and his name is all over the screen, over and over and it just slowly crept up on me, bit by bit. Even taking a break and rinsing my face in the loo didn't do the trick as it usually does most other days. So by the time i made it to my car at 12am, i exploded into a much needed, deep sob. It flowed out, and i cried the entire drive home and now i feel tired and almost relieved. And i don't feel stupid at all about it, because it's healthy to let it out, and just sob like a baby when you need to. It's a mechanism designed for exactly that - release.
I hate that he still makes me cry though, but somehow i always feel better afterwards, like a steam valve or something. Like i release something, and then afterwards, when my voice is all raspy and i sound like i have the worst cold in history, it's a reminder that i've fought through another round. Every once in a while, i do think to myself that i wish i were afraid of death, and i didn't believe in reincarnation quite as much as i do... because every so often i do secretly hope to encounter an 18 wheeler doing 140 down Niagara and it just takes me the fuck out. Then it's all "tragic accident" and i get to be done with this shit. Accidents are easier to mourn.
DISCLAIMER: In the words of Freddy Mercury - "mamma, i don't wanna die, but I sometimes wish i'd never been born at all". (pssst... that's supposed to be a hint not to fucking panic. i'm not gonna go kill myself, fuck that. i just look forward to my next life, and dream about it sometimes. fucked, i know. it's hard to explain, but i'm not fuckin suicidal, so chill. i'm just rambling on my blog and i'd never ever, ever.)
*sigh* maybe tomorrow, one of the million places i've applied to will finally call me back, and i'll get a new job that pays just a little better, that i might find a glimmer of interest in, and can get back on my feet. i know money doesn't buy happiness, but it sure causes me alot of undue stress... thanks to John fucking me right over, might i add. My entire situation right now, is a direct result of him totally burning me alive, repeatedly.
My pay this week leaves me $300 short for the few bills i owe. Sooooo...... Mom? AGAIN. Awesome. So glad i'm 35 and can be a real grown up! SUPER DEE FUCKING DUPER. Yeah, i'm gonna get my own place real soon.... can't wait. :/ Seriously, why am i not finding a better job?? I've never, ever had this problem, and i have a tonne of awesome shit on my resume. Ugh.....
I'm bitter, and rusted, and want off with my heart.
Namaste'
M
Tuesday, 12 August 2014
Monday, 11 August 2014
Accounts, of money and events...
Begin big fat rant.
I'll start by saying i'm not over it. I'm getting there, and have made substantial progress, but not 100% yet. How do i know? Because even the slightest little memory or trigger of said memory sends me on a horrendous anxiety attack, with free bonus headache and lump in throat. I'll follow by saying i wish i could just drop it, and not forgive but totally forget.
It's kind of silly even, to say i can't just forget about it. I mean - he really completely fucked me over and abused me mentally, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, you name it - he abused it. I swear to <higher power>, the slightest little thing sets me off without my control. Instantly, my stomach drops like being on a roller coaster, and bam - anxiety attack. Out of fucking NO WHERE. A smell, sound, place, time of day, a word, a food, fuck even dandelions. Yes, dandelions give me anxiety.
We were at the park, the day after returning from Hatteras, NC, the trip from hell where i caught him cheating the first time of many, and spent a full week trapped with him on an island, literally. He wanted to do some photos at this park, so he had me lay in the field where there were dandelions everywhere around me. So it's not the flowers that actually do it, it's that i'm associating the flower with this awful memory - hence my wish to just forget him and everything he ever did.
Today's trigger - his account balance. Must be nice to have money coming out of your ass you prick. Got a new bastard child, whom you named after you and conceived while ENGAGED TO ME, so you can force it to live in your shadow of lies, and life is just awesome eh?? Today, i logged onto my banking app to check my balance which was a sad 41 bucks. And saw his balance (we're joint on an account i can't get rid of without having to contact him, but i do not use) of over 3 GRAND.
EVIL SELFISH PRICK PSYCHO ABUSIVE MOTHER FUCKER.
(see blog header, i swear alot, deal with it.)
So that set me right off. I'm now battling a headache, fluttering heart, upset stomach, and overall just feeling like breaking something. I'm just so so SO full of resentment and anger still.
I am so not over it. And i want to be.
And then there's the whole thing where he owes my mother a large sum of cash, to the tune of almost 12 grand for paying his mortgage and bills and child support after he got fired for being a useless fuck. We're taking him to court over it, which will be a delicious kick in the face for him, but it's just prolonging any hope of my forgetting him, so i need it to get done ASAP. So there's that. I can't wait to make him pay her back what he owes. It's not right that my mother works two fucking jobs at her age, so he can live like a king, blowing money left and right on fast food for him and his homewrecker skank.
Ya know, it's just not fucking fair man. The evil that is John is so awful and deep, i can't even begin to try to explain it. He's just the single worst person to ever live, deserves everything that's coming to him, and i hope he's fucking devastated for the rest of his miserable piece of shit life.
And then there's the dating scene. hahahhaha.... i toyed with the thought recently, but nope. I can't deal with it. Simply put. Dating is suposed to be fun, and butterflies, and can't wait to see you..... instead i panic and begin to sabotage the relationship immediately, because i can't trust a man not to be another John. That in itself is horrible. And the ones i find attractive, whom i think "hmmm, maybe i could trust you" - are always in a fucking relationship. UGH. And i'm no homewrecker. That's Amber's job.
I really do wish i would meet "the one". Maybe i already did.... I do believe in fate and hope it's my turn soon. It's just that "the one" will have to be willing to know my dark gross past, and still love me despite being a broken toy. I just need a little glue and tape and i'll be fine! haha....
It has nothing to do with money or anything related to it.... it's everything to do with just having someone to kiss when i feel like it, or be excited to see at the end of the day. Someone to sit and talk with, be it at the beach or laying on the grass in the backyard.
Lately, i have been more and more torn between being single and wanting to be with someone again. I have lonely nights, but freedom filled days, and while the freedom is awesome the being alone when everyone else has someone, is beginning to really wear on me.
I don't by any means begrudge any of my friends for being with someone, or being happy... but i do get sick of seeing all the love spread all over everything, 24/7. It's a constant reminder of what i thought i had, and is a constant reminder of what i don't have now, nor will I ever have i don't think.
Before you say the cliche "you'll meet someone, you just haven't met the right guy"... spare me the poetry. My walls are up so high, i don't know if i'll ever let "him" in. I may have already met him, and shunned him out of fear.
Good thing i'm a very good actress, or no one would wanna be around me. I'm thankful for my strange way of going numb on command, if someone approaches or is within eye sight. Half a second, and bam. Oh haaaayyyy!!! How are ya??! I'm great!
FML. Maybe i am a socio-something or other. No seriously. It's not normal that i can do that, and hide my blackness. *shrugs..... defense mechanism i guess.
And this is why i wanna just fucking disappear. But the consequences of leaving those i love behind, is what keeps me here.... i wanna leave so badly, but i can't do it.
Maybe once the whole court thing is done, and maybe once i find a new job, and maybe once i can afford to be a grown up, I'll feel better.
I should actually finish writing the story of John and sell it. It's so god damn dramatic and fucking unbelievable, people would buy it, and make it into a movie!! There's a few details i won't be writing or sharing though... too dark and terrible to mention. But the majority of what I'm willing to share is dramatic enough, that's for sure! And, he'd likely end up in prison if i published what he's done. Hmmmm.....
End big fat rant. I'm good now. Needed to bitch it out.
I'll start by saying i'm not over it. I'm getting there, and have made substantial progress, but not 100% yet. How do i know? Because even the slightest little memory or trigger of said memory sends me on a horrendous anxiety attack, with free bonus headache and lump in throat. I'll follow by saying i wish i could just drop it, and not forgive but totally forget.
It's kind of silly even, to say i can't just forget about it. I mean - he really completely fucked me over and abused me mentally, financially, emotionally, spiritually, physically, you name it - he abused it. I swear to <higher power>, the slightest little thing sets me off without my control. Instantly, my stomach drops like being on a roller coaster, and bam - anxiety attack. Out of fucking NO WHERE. A smell, sound, place, time of day, a word, a food, fuck even dandelions. Yes, dandelions give me anxiety.
We were at the park, the day after returning from Hatteras, NC, the trip from hell where i caught him cheating the first time of many, and spent a full week trapped with him on an island, literally. He wanted to do some photos at this park, so he had me lay in the field where there were dandelions everywhere around me. So it's not the flowers that actually do it, it's that i'm associating the flower with this awful memory - hence my wish to just forget him and everything he ever did.
Today's trigger - his account balance. Must be nice to have money coming out of your ass you prick. Got a new bastard child, whom you named after you and conceived while ENGAGED TO ME, so you can force it to live in your shadow of lies, and life is just awesome eh?? Today, i logged onto my banking app to check my balance which was a sad 41 bucks. And saw his balance (we're joint on an account i can't get rid of without having to contact him, but i do not use) of over 3 GRAND.
EVIL SELFISH PRICK PSYCHO ABUSIVE MOTHER FUCKER.
(see blog header, i swear alot, deal with it.)
So that set me right off. I'm now battling a headache, fluttering heart, upset stomach, and overall just feeling like breaking something. I'm just so so SO full of resentment and anger still.
I am so not over it. And i want to be.
And then there's the whole thing where he owes my mother a large sum of cash, to the tune of almost 12 grand for paying his mortgage and bills and child support after he got fired for being a useless fuck. We're taking him to court over it, which will be a delicious kick in the face for him, but it's just prolonging any hope of my forgetting him, so i need it to get done ASAP. So there's that. I can't wait to make him pay her back what he owes. It's not right that my mother works two fucking jobs at her age, so he can live like a king, blowing money left and right on fast food for him and his homewrecker skank.
Ya know, it's just not fucking fair man. The evil that is John is so awful and deep, i can't even begin to try to explain it. He's just the single worst person to ever live, deserves everything that's coming to him, and i hope he's fucking devastated for the rest of his miserable piece of shit life.
And then there's the dating scene. hahahhaha.... i toyed with the thought recently, but nope. I can't deal with it. Simply put. Dating is suposed to be fun, and butterflies, and can't wait to see you..... instead i panic and begin to sabotage the relationship immediately, because i can't trust a man not to be another John. That in itself is horrible. And the ones i find attractive, whom i think "hmmm, maybe i could trust you" - are always in a fucking relationship. UGH. And i'm no homewrecker. That's Amber's job.
I really do wish i would meet "the one". Maybe i already did.... I do believe in fate and hope it's my turn soon. It's just that "the one" will have to be willing to know my dark gross past, and still love me despite being a broken toy. I just need a little glue and tape and i'll be fine! haha....
It has nothing to do with money or anything related to it.... it's everything to do with just having someone to kiss when i feel like it, or be excited to see at the end of the day. Someone to sit and talk with, be it at the beach or laying on the grass in the backyard.
Lately, i have been more and more torn between being single and wanting to be with someone again. I have lonely nights, but freedom filled days, and while the freedom is awesome the being alone when everyone else has someone, is beginning to really wear on me.
I don't by any means begrudge any of my friends for being with someone, or being happy... but i do get sick of seeing all the love spread all over everything, 24/7. It's a constant reminder of what i thought i had, and is a constant reminder of what i don't have now, nor will I ever have i don't think.
Before you say the cliche "you'll meet someone, you just haven't met the right guy"... spare me the poetry. My walls are up so high, i don't know if i'll ever let "him" in. I may have already met him, and shunned him out of fear.
Good thing i'm a very good actress, or no one would wanna be around me. I'm thankful for my strange way of going numb on command, if someone approaches or is within eye sight. Half a second, and bam. Oh haaaayyyy!!! How are ya??! I'm great!
FML. Maybe i am a socio-something or other. No seriously. It's not normal that i can do that, and hide my blackness. *shrugs..... defense mechanism i guess.
And this is why i wanna just fucking disappear. But the consequences of leaving those i love behind, is what keeps me here.... i wanna leave so badly, but i can't do it.
Maybe once the whole court thing is done, and maybe once i find a new job, and maybe once i can afford to be a grown up, I'll feel better.
I should actually finish writing the story of John and sell it. It's so god damn dramatic and fucking unbelievable, people would buy it, and make it into a movie!! There's a few details i won't be writing or sharing though... too dark and terrible to mention. But the majority of what I'm willing to share is dramatic enough, that's for sure! And, he'd likely end up in prison if i published what he's done. Hmmmm.....
End big fat rant. I'm good now. Needed to bitch it out.
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