End of a GOOD Day...

That's right. You heard me. I had a GOOD day today. The whole day. Minus a minor headache incident, which i treated with coffee and tylenol #3....yes i mentioned i missed him earlier, but it wasn't painful and i haven't had any sadness all day long. Instead, i literally went with the Eat Pray Love philosophy, and "missed him, and dropped it".

I stated in today's previous post that i hoped to fuck i could hold onto this good feeling....and i did it!! Tomorrow could suck, and i could very well have a shit day, but i don't think about that shit when i'm having a good one. I'm proud of myself, that i spent the entire day by myself and was happy about it!!! 

Anyway, i updated y'all enough in my last post of the days events, so i won't drone on. I'm gonna go into my bedroom and relax and put my books away on my lil' bookshelf.My Buddha statue is set up in his spot too, bringing me a constant reminder of impermanence.And for those who think that sounds like a bad thing, it's truly not. Impermanence, very simply explained - nothing lasts forever. This includes everything from life to love to heartache and grief. Everything ends eventually.

I'm trying this new thing where i accomplish at least one small productive act per day, instead of sitting on my fat ass from the moment i walk in the door, till bedtime. When i accomplish things, i feel great about them! Even just moving a small bookcase is enough to give me that feeling :) 

Night!

Chilly and Calm...

Yesterday, i spent the day with my mom, and honestly had a relaxed afternoon for a change. We went to Port Colborne, and she bought me a new pair of awesome cherry print flip flops, and for those who know me well, this is like giving an 8-ball to a coke head. I love me some shoes. Then we went back to Mom's and had a yummy bbq, and ate everything, and talked and just had a really good day all around. 

I went to Ally and Jack's place afterwards, and the relaxing and chatting continued until i realize the frigging time, and flew home. NOT because i was expected and NOT because i had to. Because i wanted to be home, and that was a nice feeling that i realized when i started driving. I said to myself, 'hey, you're heading home cuz you said so, not cuz you have to hurry up and be there....nice.' 

Anyway, my Mom gave me this really cool magazine called "Law of Attraction" which at first glance sounded like a magazine on how to date people properly. It's soooooo not a dating magazing. This magazine is packed with article after article on everything you could need to learn about love, life, money, spirituality, etc.... Thanks Mom!!! I'm hooked! :) 

So Ally posted this thing called '16 ways i Blew My Marriage" on facebook, and i gave it a read of course, since, if you're reading my blog, you know i blew my marriage, very very recently. Well, there's an additional 15 items, for a total of 31 ways to do it right next time. I wanted to share this with as many people as possible, because i connected with and agreed with every single one of the things Dan talks about. All of it.

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

So, it's Sunday, it's freezing in my apartment, and i am loving the peace and quiet cold environment. Jane just got home from a waterpark, and i think is laying down or something cuz it's really quiet in her room. So im gonna read my magazine, and have a little lunch, then a short nap, then my task of the day is to move my bookcase to my bedroom and fill it up with all of my books. 

I still miss him, of course, as it's only been five minutes since we ended....but today is going ok. I feel calm, and relaxed, and hope to fuck i can hang onto this feeling, at least till tomorrow. 

Likely as update later.... 

M xo

Been Up and Down...

I'm gonna keep this shit short and sweet. It's hot as fuck, i can't breathe, and i seriously think i have heatstroke. No jokes. When i complain that my room is excessively hot, i mean it's so bad it's hurting my head and my blood pressure is through the roof. I went welfare tonight, and bought tin foil, and covered the windows....so pathetic that i'm fucking living like this, when i should be living in OUR house, living OUR life, like how we fucking planned. 

Ugh.... instead, i'll go to bed, by my fucking self, once again. 

Anyway, nothing worth blogging has happened, it's just hot as hell, and i'm showering three times a day, literally. I'm closing this week at work, and tomorrow is my last one, then i have some day shifts. So that will be good. 

I'm also headed to Welland this Saturday, and would like to see my Mom, then Ally and Jack (name changed for privacy) and then even see my Dad. Ambitious, i know. I'm toying with sleeping at my Mom's which would be nice so i can get a nice long visit in, and not have to drive back to Hamilton and waste gas i can't afford. 

Speaking of money, fuck ME. This arrangement with Jane was supposed to fucking SAVE me money. Not cost me, and i'm already getting frustrated with it. it's not been one month. Ugh. Long story, and i'm not gonna bash on the internet so long story short, she don't make enough cashola to cover the lifestyle she signed up for. I just wish she'd make some cut backs and live cheap for a bit. Oh well.... 

Anyway, i have a pounding headache now.... heat + barometric pressure + impending fake thunderstorm = migraine. Yay. 

I'm wearing my Guns n Roses short tomorrow, with my ghetto flip flops that i love and refuse to throw away, and my stretchy capris. Mmmmmmm comfy. 

There's a guy, hammered, outside, 17 floors down, that i can hear screaming so loud it's as though i'm on the 1st floor. 

So glad i moved here. Good thing. 

Night.

Started out as a good day.....

....and then i don't know. Anxiety hit me in the face like a kick in the throat, which is a terrible anology, but you get the drift. 

I got little accomplished today, and just had a grey cloud of shit over my head that just would not fuck off. I just felt this detached, upset, gloomy, fucking miserable cloud of shit all day long. 

I'm still having waves of missing him....it's every day. I work through it, and try to just be happy with living my life, and eventually changing who i am , but i'm so stuck in a rut it's like i can't move because i'm cemented to the ground. It's like i have black glasses on over my eyes, and i can't see anything in front of me...not even 5 minutes forward. All i can see or focus on is the current shitty mood.....and then why why why why why why i ask myself, why did this happen, and why me, and why now.....fack.

I feel like i'm rambling, not really putting anything with merit into this entry. Just bitching and crabbing as usual. I hate my life, i hate myself, i hate my accomplishments, i hate everything. I know it will get better, and it's just right now, and i have to just keep moving forward. 

I'm just cranky. And i'm running low on ativan. fml. 

OH! On a much more happy note..... wow, something fucking good, can you believe it? 

I finally got my new book in the mail today!! "The Five Minute Buddhist" by Brian Schell. I'm going to peruse the pages tonight when i head to bed. I've lost my faith in everything, and need to get back to focusing every single day on my religion of no religion, and becoming more centred. 

I was talking with a co-worker / friend, whom i will name Jenny for her privacy, and she has been through almost exactly the same thing. 4 years, marriage, built her life around him, cheating and lies, hearts broken, moving out, financial stress, you name it, she's also experienced it. Anyway, she wrote a poem and gave it to me, which was SUCH a kind gesture. We talked and had a smoke, and she reminded me to focus on getting my confidence back. 

It's so damned true. I have absolutely NO confidence, or self esteem (bad or good) and my self image is "you're going to be fucking alone, for the rest of your life, because no man is going to want an old brokenhearted, sad woman". Poo but true. 

Anyway, i'm forcing it, one day at a time. Today sucked, tomorrow will be better i hope. 

Good night. 

A shorty...

Not feeling much like bloggin' today, but i promised myself, i will do this every single day, no excuses. 

Waking up was hot and sticky and annoying, but alas...i slept for i think 8 hours?!? EIGHT. I got up at my usual 3:42am, stumbled to the balcony and had a smoke, and went back to bed. Aside from that, i actually slept!! That doesn't happen!! 

So off to work, knowing the client was on site today, and tomorrow too...yay. Gotta put my big girl pants on and be extra bossy. Speaking of bossy, i let someone go today, and this person's reaction was about as excited as a hockey stick. She just kinda sat there, and was like "oh.....ok." I never enjoy letting people go though...no matter what, it's serious, and it's someone's lively hood. Anyway, that was stressful for me....not sure why. Usually it's very clinical, in and out. 

Work took for fucking ever too.....like, holy fuckin time can MOVE already. Shit. I felt like i was there for days!! I was busy too though, working on stuff and checkin' shit off my list, but daaammmnnn..... Home time was glorious. 

He texted me today. Just to say hi, and say sorry that he didn't text me for a while. I always find this perplexing, because he's the one who flat out said "having to text you is not helpful to me at all. how is that giving me space???"..... ever since he said that, i stopped completely. And then he messages me like this out of nowhere, and it sends me on an emotional rollercoaster. So i got upset, and told him that, and idk, i guess it pissed him off that god forbid i speak my mind....cuz he got all stupid and said he regretted even texting in the first place. Ouch. Thanks.

I miss him. And i don't want to anymore.

Fuck.

All in all...

Today could be considered a rather good day. 

Despite zero sleep. I bought his cologne, in hopes it would soothe me, and it sort of did, but it only reminded me more of him, so i laid there all missing him and sad, and then my brain wouldn't shut off, so i barely slept. Not news. 

Anyway, despite being exhausted, i got up and got dressed, my hair did a decent thing, and i only had a tiny headache today. (i have a headache everyday, and have for months). Once i got my coffee, i was even better. So far, ok....this days not gone to shit quite yet. 

I get to work, still ok. I'm easing in, like 'oh come on, something has to go wrong". Idk, the whole day was just busy, and i hustled and bustled through work, which was super busy, and before i knew it, it was home time. 

Tonight, i got home, had a sammich and some potato salad, and had a chat with Ally on facebook as per usual, which was great. 

Sadly, there was a lull in our conversation where she got busy with the kiddies, and i began to miss him. Just missing his touch and scent really. Having him around. Things i took for granted i guess, like having a mans chest to lay my head on. He truly is oh so comfortable to lay with. There's a place on his chest where i nestled right in, and it smelled so great, i could breathe him in forever. 

But that's gone now. And i bought myself some man in a can (Axe) so i can pretend like a loser at bedtime. 

Speaking of bedtime......fuck me, it's late. And i'm exhausted. Ugh.....

If i can't sleep i'll come back and write more. Otherwise, night y''all.....

Monday's are Poop...

I woke up feeling dazed and hungover, despite the fact that i don't drink, but once i had my coffee and took a tylenol i felt alright for the day. Man was it frikking hot as fuck. I had two showers today, just to cool down and that didn't help much, since my apartment is like a god damn oven, set to 450. 

Around 7 it got nice and cool, with a great breeze passing through, so that was a welcome change. I was chatting with Ally on facebook, and a walmart bag flew by, but like in the air near the ceiling...haha, kinda funny.

Doing laundry was far more work than it should have been as well. I had one effing load. It took 2.5 hours. I finally got my laundry card thing to work, with the help of the handsome maintenance guy that works/lives here, and then he gave me directions and off i went to what i thought was a piece of cake. He's pretty. Just sayin. Anyway, i get there, to the 7th floor, cuz that makes sense...and all the washers are in fucking use. There's some Indian lady sucking up 5 of em, and her little brat is running around trying to pull open the washer doors while in use....ugh....

Anyway, i waited it out, stood there for 25 minutes, finally got my load in....hahahaha, load....and put the soap in the bleach compartment. Fack. came out clean. Whatev. Same situation with the dryers....like can i just do a fucking load of laundry fuck? JUST ONE. 

So laundry done, i set off to shoppers x2...1 on Barton to get one prescription, cuz they refuse to transfer it to the Shoppers across the street from my house, and the other....across the street. I got some hair shit too. Came home, had a shower, ate a sammich, watched a show about the holocaust, and then chatted with Ally for a bit...windy shit happened, had a smoke, and now i'm taking a break from folding the ridiculous mountain of clothing on my bed. 

OH, and then there's smelly vajay-jay chick.....people in this building fucking stink. seriously. this one chick got on the elevator and i could literally smell her crotch. She was a big lady, covered in sweat, hauling bags of food, and grunting like a mule. I wish i had febreeze on me, seriously....wtf. lol....gross. 

Anyway, all in all, today was what i would categorize as a good day. I still miss him. He's familiar. But when i think about today's events, we would have argued about the laundry, and watched what he wanted to watch, and i must admit i enjoyed the control i had over today's events. Although boring, regular everyday events, i did it in my order, how i wanted to, when i felt like it. That was nice i guess. 

Bedtime is coming...i have to work at 9am, so it's coming soon, and i have no choice but to go in there and i'm dreading it. I'm gonna lay in the middle tonight, like last night, and try to "hog" the bed and make it mine. 

I look forward to work tomorrow. Air conditioning, and a welcome distraction from being fucking alone 24/7. I know it's not Jane's problem, but it would be nice if she remembered that when i'm off and home alone all fuckin' day long, i DO look forward to seeing her, and chat and have a smoke and stuff. Instead she's getting stoned with her friends. Great. I know i know, we're roommates, not dating, and she in no way has to entertain me at all....i'm just really lonely and whiny and needy right now. Oh well... back to folding clothes...

And then Good night. :) 

p.s. i also bought myself a thing of his axe spray to make the bedroom smell familiar at least. it's soothing. shut up. 

Monday Off...

Jane's gone for work, so i'm home alone all day today. I hate being alone all day long. I pace around and try to stay busy, but it's so foreign to me to be by myself, so i'm kinda lost. 

My building has an electronic laundry card system, kinda like a reloadable credit card thing. Of course, it's not working for me...why would it be? That would be too easy. SO, now i need to go down and deal with the building people and figure that out, then do laundry. I have quite a pile to get done too, so let's pray for big washers!! 

I've procrastinated cleaning the office, and putting away all my clothes. Its just been so fucking hot out, and there's no air in the building so it's just......hot. Still, dead, hot air. At night it's not so bad, but by that time i'm exhausted and so goes the viscous cycle of doing nothing at all. 

Today is only moderately hot out, and there's actually a decent breeze, so i'm going to pull my ass away from the computer and at the very least get my clothes put away. 

I hate that i had to fucking move, and relocate all my shit to a new apartment, in a new life, against my will.....but i'm here now, and i'm TRYING to make it my own. 

Once i get ahead financially, it will be better. I was supposed to have been able to save money right from day one, but well moving is expensive and saving money will have to wait till August or September now. Ugh....

Let's go talk to the laundry guy, shall we?

I'll try to keep this thing updated.... not so good at blogging daily, so....ttyl, perhaps :)  

---

Update.....i head down, laundry basket in hand, all set for my big washy adventure! Got ma card, got ma soap, yep.....i put soap in the fuckin bleach compartment. So with any luck, which i have none, my clothes won't come out with white spots all over them. That would be bad, given it's a load of my work clothes, and i work in the morning. 

Lessons learned along the way i guess. Chock it up to being a noob. 

Swimming, Not Drowning...

A poem i am in love with...found on deviant art, credits will be included below the poem itself. Please enjoy. 

when you're waist-deep in a love you know you shouldn't have even dipped your toes into, you spend a lot of time cursing the current. you try to stamp your feet but find the sand's up to your ankles and seaweed is tied in bows around your calves. the waves begin to climb, breaking on your collarbones and splashing your face. breath seems to take up more space in your chest. you bring air into your body in the shortest bursts possible and it spills back out like machine gun fire.

sometimes, though-- mostly in the first hours after sunrise, when you're alone with the space she inhabited on your couch and her perfume on the back of your knees-- you plunge your face below the surface and smile up at the sky, dragging your arms through the water just to feel its resistance against your skin. you pretend that holding your breath is a decision you're choosing to make rather than a necessity for survival. you pretend the waves are lively and invigorating instead of terrifying and beyond your control. you gulp in water like you're fighting dehydration and you pretend that you're swimming, not drowning.

you wash up on the shore and crawl to the only pay phone in the city and leave messages like, "i dreamed about you a few nights ago. my hair had grown out to my waist, like it was when we became friends, and you used it to tie my wrists together while you kissed me on the kitchen floor. our fingers met on the lock of my front door and the touch vibrated up our arms and into our lips, pulling them together.

"we went to the house that only seems to exist in my head, next to the park that really exists on the other side of town. in the living room, we put on a series of one act plays for the grandfather clock and the dusty floorboards. in the basement, you placed your knee between my knees and i put my hand between your hands.

"i woke up and my arm was covered in hotel room numbers and my legs were spotted with fingerprint bruises. there was a band-aid on my left palm and i was disoriented because the sun was setting and lately, i haven't had time to fall asleep in the afternoon-- not like i used to. there was a picture of you kissing someone open in a tab that i'd forgotten about. there are no pictures of us together-- not like that. that should probably tell me something about secrets, but i doubt i'll ever learn. i've never been good at moving on-- not like you."

your voice cracks from exhaustion and salt water.

 

Credit: 

http://satah.deviantart.com/art/swimming-not-drowning-266095416

 

Amazing. Today, i'm swimming... Good Night All. 

 

 

 

Seven...One Full Week...

It's been seven days. I packed my life into boxes, put it in a truck, and moved into this apartment i'm at now. And aside from the circumstances, it's not too bad. Nice place, amazing view...you guessed it, from the 17th floor. 

The last seven days have been a clusterfuck of emotionally explosive, oddly calm, and anxiety driven behavior. I am working on letting it go, and to me that is the hardest thing i've ever had to do. I loved him for years, and gave him my heart, which he still has in his wallet for safekeeping. And he never wants to talk. 

May 4th was when he informed me he felt space was necessary. We agreed to June 30th as a move date, since he was taking off to Disney with his mother, and daughter...without me....don't get me started on that. We were supposed to be doing a healing separation, where we live apart for a while, do some work on our problems, and come back together and be stronger than ever!! Sounded kinda fucked up but ok to me after i researched it, and talked to my therapist about it.... so we agreed June 30th would be good, give us both time to find a place, pack, clean, organize, and help each other through it. June 14th was when he left. He came home from work, no warning at all, packed his shit, and just went.

Even that deal, he broke. And it was quite awful, to say the very least. It was so bad that night, i can't even talk about it, and i don't want to.

Since May 4th, i have been in agony. Not to dwell and go on about it, but it's my blog, and well... you're choosing to read it, so....

Over the last four years, i have felt more negative emotion, than any one person should ever feel, in my opinion. I've been heartbroken several times, all by the same man; lied to, cheated on; you name it. And somehow, i love him. Still, to this day. 

Stockholm syndrome? Or true love? I really don't know at this point. 

So once i moved, since that's what this topic is about, the day was spent sweating and rushing and dealing with people i don't know. When bedtime came, let me tell you, what an absolute rush of emotion. I've never felt my eyes throw up so hard, and my heart beat so violently. After everyone had gone home, and my roomie whom we call Jane in this blog for her privacy, had gone to bring her friends home, i just stood there in the living room, frozen in time. I couldn't move. I just looked around, and saw the mess of my life and wanted to die. (not literally, relax)

Bedtime, as i said, was awful. I laid in our bed, that we shared together, and stared at his spot. I couldn't stop the explosive waves of emotion and just begged for him to come to me and fix it. Just for the night. Instead, he didn't answer any of my messages, on the hardest day of my life, and it was overall, a really bad day. 

Again, sorry i'm all doom and gloom, but you're choosing to read....

This has been a very very bad week, and the last several entries were from this week, all uploaded at once. Just messy clamoring thoughts throughout the day and night, hazy and unclear, but whatever.....

Gimme a Six!...

Written on July 6th, 2013 - 1:31am - Posted July 7th, 2013

Six days in. I simply want to cry. I'm having a bad "missing him" day.....I miss him so bad.

My heart is so fucking broken, and I'm trying really hard to be ok with this, but this just hurts so much, and I just feel so deeply betrayed, and hurt, and backstabbed, and confused, and lost. And i've researched and stuff, and everything i read says not to go on and on too much to the people you're confiding in, because they will grow tired of hearing it.... so that's why i started this blog. SO i have a vent space, that people can CHOOSE to listen to it, and if not, then close it. :)

As I'm writing this, I'm blinded by tears, because today is a bad day. Some days are ok, but yep, now today is not a good day at all. I simply miss him. I saw 'now" today is not a good day, because today was actually great! Ally came to see me at my new place, we went for lunch and Talize and spent some solid time together. I felt great when she left...and then this hit me. Ugh....day ruined. That really sucks too, because i had SUCH a great time with Ally... just catching up and chatting and being goofs and laughing.... only the evening part of the day was ruined really. Nothing can damage the early part :)

Anyway, I'm so tired of being alone. I spend every minute, alone. Jane is here yes, but she's off doing her own things, which is totally fine because we're roommates, not dating, lol. All I want from him is to talk. And that is so much of a task for him.And when i say i'm tired of being alone, i don't mean day 6.....i mean i've been alone since May 4th, and even previous to that. It's getting really fucking old.

Sorry again....just not writing nice happy stuff these days....very depressing, i know.

Ugh, I just feel so fucking sad. Today, I have no hope for anything, and am simply existing right now. Going through the motions of day to day life. On auto pilot. 

I miss him. I just want to put my arms around him, and breathe him in, just for a moment.But i know that's a bad bad bad idea, and although yes, the moment of would be bliss, the aftermath and damage it would cause isn't worth it.....i don't think? It would be a massive set back, and although i'm struggling, oh my GOD i am so so so much better than even just 2 weeks ago. 

The months of May and June, i literally went to work, and went to bed. Period. Slept and worked. Jane came by to visit periodically, and i watched some tv in there....but seriously, rock bottom, laid in bed. The world could have ended. Who cares. I'm MUCH better now. SO SO much better. Just not quite at the finish line yet.... i'm headed there though, and i'll get there. I just need to feel my feelings, and be sad if i'm sad. 

"I miss him"

"So miss him" 

"I love him" 

"So love him....then drop it."

I just proof read my post...wow, how depressing. Ahh well... better days ahead...

Five Down, Far Too Many To Go...

Written on July 4th, 2013 - 11pm - Posted July 7th, 2013

I emailed him. I regret doing that because I don't want him to know I'm still so so so heartbroken, and haven't really healed at all. I'm just getting good at hiding it. I feel so fucking dead in my heart, and have nothing left to give. I honestly don't. He took it. 

I just can't get my head around how he can so easily just go from missing me and saying he loves me, to easily going days without even a text. How do you do that to someone you claim you wanted to marry?? 

I know I need to, but can't gather up the courage yet, to let him go. I'm not ready yet. I love him too much, and just want to hold him, in our bed, skin to skin, and lay quietly and just enjoy having him here. Even if he feels nothing for me. Just to feel him there, and enjoy the moment one last time. 

What about me is truly so awful? I wish I knew. The things he has listed are not deal breakers. At least not for everyone else. For him, apparently they are. Despite the beating I have taken from him....my flaws are far too much for him. 

Ugh....I regret emailing him, because I'm afraid of his reply. Or lack thereof. 

Fuck I'm so angry right now. I just wanted to talk to him because he kept saying he's in a bad space. I always talk him down. Every time. I literally just wanted to listen, and tell HIM IT'S GOING TO BE OK. 

Again, dark and dreary right now, i know i know..... but this is my life. Delete the blog if you don't like it.

And four...

Written on July 3rd - 12:20am - Posted July 7th, 2013 

I broke down and texted him after a full day of nothing at all. I'm trying to let him go, but it makes me feel like shit when four years means nothing to a person. I don't know, i guess maybe i should not care either, but it's not in my nature, and it's too fresh to just completely stop thinking about him. 

He said he's 'in a bad space today and sorry he didn't text me'.....but I'm supposed to be the one person he talks to when he's in a bad space. I feel he's grown this new "everyone can go fuck themselves, i do what i want" attitude, and that includes me....I just want to know he's alright. I know, i know... don't harp on me...i'm all fucked up...

I'm working on letting it go....I need to. We're just so so so broken, and he is always so busy with his cell phone and going out with his girlfriends, and working extra, and playing games, that he's not focusing on anything important. And for me to be living here, in this apartment, because of him, and to sit by and just let him go party and have his fun......well I'd be disrespecting myself. Doesn't mean i don't care, or love him in my own way....it just means i know i need to let this go.

If you love a person, you fight for them. You stand beside that person, and you don't run off to have a vacation from marriage, and party with friends, and take a hall pass. Fuck that. 

I do love him, so so much, and this is killing me, more than anything ever, but I have to let this be. I know he won't ever be happy, and he will never see me as his number one priority. Work, kid, ex, mother, then me......no thanks. I gave him my heart to keep. That will remain. When I said I'd marry him, I meant it. Forever. When he asked, he meant, only if it's gonna be easy. 

I'm forcing myself to remain as is, for a year. Goal set. Refuse to cave in, no matter what. Even though i almost cave, about 30 times a day, i'm getting good at slapping myself.

It's time I spent some time on me.