Do it already...

October already, wow... i can't believe it's been nearly four months since this journey began. Moving into the apartment, on my own, beginning again. Now, here i sit, wondering when things will change. 

By change, i mean get better and be awesome for me. I don't mean, like when am I gonna win a billion dollars, i mean when is my life going to start. I feel stagnant, and bored. I already know what i need to do to get the ball rolling, but of course it all comes down to money. 

I need to find a new car. Yeah, i know that sounds ass backwards, but with a new car, i can commute to Niagara. Once i can commute, then i can find a new job just about anywhere. Then ride out my lease. Then, when said lease is coming up to being done, find a small little apartment/house with low rent, and rent it, by myself. 

I think that's part of my problem. I've never lived totally alone. Ever. And i think i really need that control over my surroundings. My current living situation is progressively worse and worse, more and more stressful, and is not a good healing environment. 

Anyway, that's the plan. Car, new job, end lease, move. It will take until like June of next year, but it's the plan and i'm sticking to it. I also need to somehow save up like 4 grand. Hhahhaa.... moving expenses, and first and last for the new place. SO it's going to be quite the undertaking but i'm going to do it. 

I'm researching a juice/water fast again. I tried to do one, and only lasted like 4 days. I need to mentally prepare myself, and then follow the steps properly so i don't die. And when people keep saying "but you'll gain all the weight back".... Yeah no shit!! If i eat pizza and fucking cheeseburgers!!! Jesus christ, why do people have to gimme grief?? Like i'm gonna go through the agony of a fast and then fuck it up by toxifying myself like that? *facepalm.... 

Anyway, i have to keep holding onto my plan. It's all I've got. I deleted all my accounts from the stupid dating sites too. Too much of a wasteful distraction. Ally said it best when she told me I'm using the sites as a distraction, and then i find flaws in them, and reasons to stop replying, when they hint at being interested for real, because I'm not ready yet, and it's going to be a very very long time before i am. I haven't given myself time to heal at all. It's too much to face, and even just typing that sentence, i got a sick feeling. I need to focus on me, and get off my damn phone. Time to meditate, and knit, and draw, and paint, and be creative, and do what i wanna do. Time to take more pictures, and build up enough of a portfolio to create a website, and ever so slowly build a small business on the side. 

I'm still talkin' to Jeff though. I don't think that will ever change, meet or not. I enjoy talking with him about tattoos, politics, old cars, and dogs, and life and shit. It's good conversation if nothing else.

Ruby, (named changed), my dear friend and fellow photographer, is my inspiration for this venture. She inspired me to get out my camera, and start taking pics. To quit making excuses, and go do it.

Well, i have to pack my shit for a weekend in Niagara. Funeral to go to.... my Aunt Joan passed away, rather suddenly. So very sad. Anyway, packing and then bedtime.... 

Namaste' 

I Need a Blender...

So wow, it's been forever since my last post, shit.... life's been moving along i guess. Just forward. Not necessarily in a bad way.... I've just become very complacent to say the least. I'm basically just riding out my sentence here and planning my escape as soon as i can do so without it costing me everything again.

Where to begin with the update...work, home, money? Ugh...

Work is a nightmare. I was happy at my job in Niagara, and didn't want to leave it. I won't start in on the complaints about leaving, or why....but nonetheless, i didn't wanna move here, and now that I'm here, i fucking hate my job, and everything to do with it. And since i spend 85% of my time there, this is a problem. I'm sick of the constant micro managing, and back stabbing, and complaining, and bullshit excuses. Niagara was such a well managed site....this one is a joke. A fucking joke to say the least. How many more trackers can we possibly have, before i become a 'tracker specialist'?? Good god.

Home.....well that's an extension of work. I hate living here. Hamilton is disgusting, loud, and full of degenerates. It's like living in lidsville, only it's massive. Nothing but noise, pollution, crime, filth, and disgusting people. I want to go home now. But oh yay, i signed a fucking lease. So while i know this is a first world problem, it's my blog, and yeah..... i simply cannot stand this city. It's just living hell on earth, and i've never been surrounded by so many low life losers all crammed into one small space before. And what the actual fuck is with the ambulances?? Every 2 minutes, there's one passing by, blaring it's sirens, even at 4am. O_o

Money? I'm broke. The end. This apartment is fucking rip off, and i wanna move. Either to a cheaper place, like how *I* wanted when we were searching for apartments, or by myself into a 1 bedroom somewhere. I was showing Jane apartments to look at and she refused. No no no.... to every one of them. She wanted this one, cuz they were giving away a free iPad Mini, which I have a feeling she sold without telling me, because i haven't seen it in over a month. Shouldn't we sell it and split the cash?? I'd love to have moved into one of the cute houses i found, with a porch, and a drive way, and no broken ass elevators, or crackhead neighbors. Ugh...again, first world problems....

Oh well.... I have also recently discovered the word 'Stoic' which is a perfect description for how i am. Very complacent, and easy going these days. I try to not bother anymore with voicing my opinions out loud, because it always falls on deaf ears and accomplishes nothing. 

K, well, I'm heading to bed now. I took a day off today to nurse a throbbing migraine, and needed a day at home alone too. It was nice to enjoy the 'quiet', and to be lazy for a day. Headache's gone, and now i'm just done. 

The diet is not going well at all either. I need a fucking blender, and to buy all the shit i need at once. But i need like $100 to cover it all, from the garcinia to the fruits n veggies n protein powder n shit. Ugh.... maybe i'll get ahead by christmas. I hope to be out of the hole by then. Hahaha, yeah right.... more like next June. I'm just constantly in the negative, and always having to ask for help to pay my shit, and it's killing me. I should not be this broke, and i don't get why i am!! I don't go anywhere, or do anything! WTF! 

Lottery anytime now. Please universe. Please.

Peace. 

M