I was driving home tonight, from my fuck-terrible job that i hate. I had a pretty bad day emotionally today. Alot of anxiety, and even a break down in the ladies room. I was supposed to get my "hiring" bonus, and my boss told me she was told today it was supposed to be paid out. I started in Feb, and it's almost fuckin JULY, soooo HIRING BONUS?? How about "been workin' here for four months" bonus?!!
Anyway, long story short, after an emotional swamp of a day, i was thinking about stuff, and had a random flashback. I remembered when i was in Hatteras (near Avon, NC) on vacation with the prick and some other friends, and i had found out about the first time he cheated and lied. It was a terrible vacation to say the very very least. On one of the mornings, everyone was awake, and having breakfast and carrying on like life was grand, John included because he's a piece of shit... and i remembered laying in bed, looking out the window, crying my eyes out, and saying over and over again: "i want my mom". It was like i reverted back to childhood, and i just wanted nothing more than my mom.
Here's the view i'm talking about... not a great photo, since i wasn't really allowed to touch the cameras and didn't "know anything about photography"...
...it's nothing special but i can see this view in my head, and for some reason it's oddly comforting. Something about Hatteras draws me to it, and you'd think it would be the most horrible place on earth, right?? Nope. I want to go back there, SO bad.
Why is this entitled that flashbacks can be nice? Because at the very least, in my darkness and heartache, i just wanted my mom to make me feel better. I remembered when i was little, and how she always made me feel better, or laugh when i was sad, and always knew what to say to remind me that "tomorrow is a new day, with a new sun".
Anyway, this post is short and sweet, and i just wanted to share my little memory from tonight's drive home. I often have flashbacks, more than i can count in a day to be honest, and they're always so awful and debilitating, but this one was ok.
I don't know... maybe somehow my stupid brain decided to pull a positive out of the hat for once!!
So that's my weird little blog post for the day. It was horrible to be IN that situation at all, but something about wanting my Mom was endearing and kinda sweet i guess? I know this makes zero sense, but to me it makes some sense in my head, so i dunno...
Bedtime i think. Two more shifts at the shittiest shithole ever. Then the weekend!! YAY!! Saturday is my day to just do whatev, gonna bring Jonah (coolest nephew evar) to a beee dayyy partay, and then likely go shoot stuff with my cammy in tow. Cuz you know, i know nothing about photography.... then Sunday i have a Surro-BBQ to shoot with my know nothing photography ( i hope y'all are catchin' the irony and sarcasm), for Ally to celebrate with her surro pals for whom she made wee babes, and help build so so many families.
Namaste'
M
Today is June 14th.
I'm not one to really dwell on anniversaries. Usually, I'll briefly acknowledge that on this say, such and such a thing happened, and then get the fuck on with my day.
Today - not so much.
1 year ago, exactly, John walked out the front door - leaving me in a dangerous state, caring nothing at all about my well being, and now that i know where he was rushing off to, it cuts just that much deeper. It already destroyed me when i thought he was going to dog sit. Now that i know he was rushing to see his pregnant homewrecking skank, it's just that much worse.
And it's not a "i'm so sad, i miss him" kind of grief.... FUCK NO.
It's a "how the fuck could he leave me in the state i was in?" I just cannot get my head around that. I don't think i ever will. Like seriously, how does a person just go hop in the car, and fuck off like that??
But yeah... a year ago, today he had to pry me from holding him, literally throwing me to the floor, and left forever.
(don't worry, it was a blessing, i know)
I hadn't even thought of it until my god damn google calendar reminder popped up, to lovingly punch me in the face with this information... because for some fucked up reason, i set a reminder for it. ?? I don't even recall doing it... maybe in the aftermath of the rampage, i wanted to remember it? I'll never understand that, but well here i am, remembering it.
The trouble is, there are countless calendar reminders, and dates to remember, for all of the horrific events. And it's not the date that's flooded back... it's the mini movie my mind is replaying now, over and over again, that i had managed to totally block out, and not think of until now.
Anyway, that's not to say i haven't made much progress since one year ago. Much growth. Much change. I am doing much better now... getting there, one trigger at a time :)
I'm in purge mode right now too. I'm finally completing my move from Hamilton, back home and am purging 99% of what i own. Not because it's garbage, but because i don't need constant reminders.
Come fall, i'll hopefully be on my feet like a real grown up, and begin again.
I cannot wait for the day i begin again, and i crave that first day, on my own, all brand new - the past forgotten. it has nothing to do with "my own place/space/stuff" - it's got everything to do with the symbolism behind it.
*sigh*
Namaste'
