Calendar Invites...

Today is June 14th. 

I'm not one to really dwell on anniversaries.  Usually, I'll briefly acknowledge that on this say, such and such a thing happened, and then get the fuck on with my day. 

Today - not so much. 

1 year ago, exactly, John walked out the front door - leaving me in a dangerous state, caring nothing at all about my well being, and now that i know where he was rushing off to, it cuts just that much deeper. It already destroyed me when i thought he was going to dog sit. Now that i know he was rushing to see his pregnant homewrecking skank, it's just that much worse. 

And it's not a "i'm so sad, i miss him" kind of grief.... FUCK NO. 

It's a "how the fuck could he leave me in the state i was in?" I just cannot get my head around that. I don't think i ever will. Like seriously, how does a person just go hop in the car, and fuck off like that??

But yeah... a year ago, today he had to pry me from holding him, literally throwing me to the floor, and left forever. 

(don't worry, it was a blessing, i know)

I hadn't even thought of it until my god damn google calendar reminder popped up, to lovingly punch me in the face with this information... because for some fucked up reason, i set a reminder for it. ?? I don't even recall doing it... maybe in the aftermath of the rampage, i wanted to remember it? I'll never understand that, but well here i am, remembering it.


The trouble is, there are countless calendar reminders, and dates to remember, for all of the horrific events. And it's not the date that's flooded back... it's the mini movie my mind is replaying now, over and over again, that i had managed to totally block out, and not think of until now. 


Anyway, that's not to say i haven't made much progress since one year ago. Much growth. Much change. I am doing much better now... getting there, one trigger at a time :)

I'm in purge mode right now too. I'm finally completing my move from Hamilton, back home and am purging 99% of what i own. Not because it's garbage, but because i don't need constant reminders. 

Come fall, i'll hopefully be on my feet like a real grown up, and begin again. 

I cannot wait for the day i begin again, and i crave that first day, on my own, all brand new - the past forgotten. it has nothing to do with "my own place/space/stuff" - it's got everything to do with the symbolism behind it.

*sigh* 

Namaste'