After my last post, where i talked about deleting the dating sites, and just spending some time being with myself...i developed and grew just a touch, cuz i mean it was only like 3 months ago....but anyway...i took a little breather :)
So it's now 2014. A brand new year, yes i'm 4 days in, technically 5 if you wanna count that it's after midnight, but whatever. I'm trying to hold onto the positive that's been happening, and just roll with it, but of course in the back of my mind i'm always bracing for impact. But nonetheless, for now i will go along for the ride and just enjoy the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face...despite the mother fucking cold ass winter months.
Seriously Canada...enough already. Look over there... (points to Bali)...don't you want palm trees?? LOL...
Anyway, so my biggest news is my new relationship, whom i cant seem to think of a covername for that starts with an M.... i'll come up with something. (and if you're reading this i change the names of all the real people i mention for their privacy. Just so ya know, lol) Anyway, i'm officially in a new relationship, as of December 9th! Yeah i know, i kinda waited too long to update this thing, but whatever, i've been busy as shit. So yeah, he's slowly earning my trust, and he is fully aware of the total clusterfuck I just came out of earlier this year.... wait.... LAST year. Omg. :) LAST YEAR. hahahaha, fuck you 2013, right in your fat face. You sucked. This could be my year!! Let's pray!
As previously stated, i'm always bracing for impact, because it's going to take a fuckload more than a month to get my guard down, but i'm hopeful and positive..
So the new business venture!! I've started very very VERY small, just feeling the waters... i made a lil' facebook page (facebook.com/silverfoxontario) for my photography ventures/business/stuffs. I'm terrified cuz i absolutley have found my niche. When i'm photographing anything at all, i'm in creative mode like in Minecraft, only there's no mobs or bad weather, and i'm always at full health and have a constant supply of material. Lol, that's actually a very acurate analogy. Haha. I just feel free and calm, and i only focus on my shot. I'm not thinking about the turbulent terrorist attack i just survived, (it's gonna take more than 6 fuckin' months to be healed from it) and i'm just happy. Overall, calm and happy. So photography is the business venture, and Silver Fox is the name i've chosen.
I really hope 2014 is the one. I feel like it is. It's a good number, and good shit is happening so far. I still hate my job and wanna burn the place with everyone in it, but aside from work, which is something i can change, life is seemingly good again!!
As for John...(name not changed, cuz fuck him, that's why). Karma will get him. And i hope it hurts. Nuff said. I will say though, i need to stop thinking about it. I don't think about HIM, i think about the shit he did, and how seriously bad, and some of it criminal it really was. What i'm mulling around is not at all about losing him, cuz BYE.. I've just been thinking how i allowed it, and how weak and pathetic i was, and just overall "how the fuck could you???". That's not me. But it became me, and ate my soul to the point where i still don't truly know who i am completely, but am working on it. I think about it still, every day... always starting or ending with a thought of disgust and sickness, like "how the fuck did you stay with that??"....and "idiot. took you long enough"....and "good thing you almost lost your best friend eh? dumbass." and "how nice, you live in Hamilton now..that was well thought out eh girl?"... fack. It doesn't help that i live in this shithole so i'm looking at it every single day, constantly reminded of what i went through...and somehow survived. I want to stop thinking about it though, honestly. It gives me nothing but anxiety. I hate that i've even typed this many words about it. Let's hope this new year clears all that shit right out!!
K, bed time!
Namaste'
M xoxox
