Five Down, Far Too Many To Go...

Written on July 4th, 2013 - 11pm - Posted July 7th, 2013

I emailed him. I regret doing that because I don't want him to know I'm still so so so heartbroken, and haven't really healed at all. I'm just getting good at hiding it. I feel so fucking dead in my heart, and have nothing left to give. I honestly don't. He took it. 

I just can't get my head around how he can so easily just go from missing me and saying he loves me, to easily going days without even a text. How do you do that to someone you claim you wanted to marry?? 

I know I need to, but can't gather up the courage yet, to let him go. I'm not ready yet. I love him too much, and just want to hold him, in our bed, skin to skin, and lay quietly and just enjoy having him here. Even if he feels nothing for me. Just to feel him there, and enjoy the moment one last time. 

What about me is truly so awful? I wish I knew. The things he has listed are not deal breakers. At least not for everyone else. For him, apparently they are. Despite the beating I have taken from him....my flaws are far too much for him. 

Ugh....I regret emailing him, because I'm afraid of his reply. Or lack thereof. 

Fuck I'm so angry right now. I just wanted to talk to him because he kept saying he's in a bad space. I always talk him down. Every time. I literally just wanted to listen, and tell HIM IT'S GOING TO BE OK. 

Again, dark and dreary right now, i know i know..... but this is my life. Delete the blog if you don't like it.