Started out as a good day.....

....and then i don't know. Anxiety hit me in the face like a kick in the throat, which is a terrible anology, but you get the drift. 

I got little accomplished today, and just had a grey cloud of shit over my head that just would not fuck off. I just felt this detached, upset, gloomy, fucking miserable cloud of shit all day long. 

I'm still having waves of missing him....it's every day. I work through it, and try to just be happy with living my life, and eventually changing who i am , but i'm so stuck in a rut it's like i can't move because i'm cemented to the ground. It's like i have black glasses on over my eyes, and i can't see anything in front of me...not even 5 minutes forward. All i can see or focus on is the current shitty mood.....and then why why why why why why i ask myself, why did this happen, and why me, and why now.....fack.

I feel like i'm rambling, not really putting anything with merit into this entry. Just bitching and crabbing as usual. I hate my life, i hate myself, i hate my accomplishments, i hate everything. I know it will get better, and it's just right now, and i have to just keep moving forward. 

I'm just cranky. And i'm running low on ativan. fml. 

OH! On a much more happy note..... wow, something fucking good, can you believe it? 

I finally got my new book in the mail today!! "The Five Minute Buddhist" by Brian Schell. I'm going to peruse the pages tonight when i head to bed. I've lost my faith in everything, and need to get back to focusing every single day on my religion of no religion, and becoming more centred. 

I was talking with a co-worker / friend, whom i will name Jenny for her privacy, and she has been through almost exactly the same thing. 4 years, marriage, built her life around him, cheating and lies, hearts broken, moving out, financial stress, you name it, she's also experienced it. Anyway, she wrote a poem and gave it to me, which was SUCH a kind gesture. We talked and had a smoke, and she reminded me to focus on getting my confidence back. 

It's so damned true. I have absolutely NO confidence, or self esteem (bad or good) and my self image is "you're going to be fucking alone, for the rest of your life, because no man is going to want an old brokenhearted, sad woman". Poo but true. 

Anyway, i'm forcing it, one day at a time. Today sucked, tomorrow will be better i hope. 

Good night.