Do it already...

October already, wow... i can't believe it's been nearly four months since this journey began. Moving into the apartment, on my own, beginning again. Now, here i sit, wondering when things will change. 

By change, i mean get better and be awesome for me. I don't mean, like when am I gonna win a billion dollars, i mean when is my life going to start. I feel stagnant, and bored. I already know what i need to do to get the ball rolling, but of course it all comes down to money. 

I need to find a new car. Yeah, i know that sounds ass backwards, but with a new car, i can commute to Niagara. Once i can commute, then i can find a new job just about anywhere. Then ride out my lease. Then, when said lease is coming up to being done, find a small little apartment/house with low rent, and rent it, by myself. 

I think that's part of my problem. I've never lived totally alone. Ever. And i think i really need that control over my surroundings. My current living situation is progressively worse and worse, more and more stressful, and is not a good healing environment. 

Anyway, that's the plan. Car, new job, end lease, move. It will take until like June of next year, but it's the plan and i'm sticking to it. I also need to somehow save up like 4 grand. Hhahhaa.... moving expenses, and first and last for the new place. SO it's going to be quite the undertaking but i'm going to do it. 

I'm researching a juice/water fast again. I tried to do one, and only lasted like 4 days. I need to mentally prepare myself, and then follow the steps properly so i don't die. And when people keep saying "but you'll gain all the weight back".... Yeah no shit!! If i eat pizza and fucking cheeseburgers!!! Jesus christ, why do people have to gimme grief?? Like i'm gonna go through the agony of a fast and then fuck it up by toxifying myself like that? *facepalm.... 

Anyway, i have to keep holding onto my plan. It's all I've got. I deleted all my accounts from the stupid dating sites too. Too much of a wasteful distraction. Ally said it best when she told me I'm using the sites as a distraction, and then i find flaws in them, and reasons to stop replying, when they hint at being interested for real, because I'm not ready yet, and it's going to be a very very long time before i am. I haven't given myself time to heal at all. It's too much to face, and even just typing that sentence, i got a sick feeling. I need to focus on me, and get off my damn phone. Time to meditate, and knit, and draw, and paint, and be creative, and do what i wanna do. Time to take more pictures, and build up enough of a portfolio to create a website, and ever so slowly build a small business on the side. 

I'm still talkin' to Jeff though. I don't think that will ever change, meet or not. I enjoy talking with him about tattoos, politics, old cars, and dogs, and life and shit. It's good conversation if nothing else.

Ruby, (named changed), my dear friend and fellow photographer, is my inspiration for this venture. She inspired me to get out my camera, and start taking pics. To quit making excuses, and go do it.

Well, i have to pack my shit for a weekend in Niagara. Funeral to go to.... my Aunt Joan passed away, rather suddenly. So very sad. Anyway, packing and then bedtime.... 

Namaste' 

I Need a Blender...

So wow, it's been forever since my last post, shit.... life's been moving along i guess. Just forward. Not necessarily in a bad way.... I've just become very complacent to say the least. I'm basically just riding out my sentence here and planning my escape as soon as i can do so without it costing me everything again.

Where to begin with the update...work, home, money? Ugh...

Work is a nightmare. I was happy at my job in Niagara, and didn't want to leave it. I won't start in on the complaints about leaving, or why....but nonetheless, i didn't wanna move here, and now that I'm here, i fucking hate my job, and everything to do with it. And since i spend 85% of my time there, this is a problem. I'm sick of the constant micro managing, and back stabbing, and complaining, and bullshit excuses. Niagara was such a well managed site....this one is a joke. A fucking joke to say the least. How many more trackers can we possibly have, before i become a 'tracker specialist'?? Good god.

Home.....well that's an extension of work. I hate living here. Hamilton is disgusting, loud, and full of degenerates. It's like living in lidsville, only it's massive. Nothing but noise, pollution, crime, filth, and disgusting people. I want to go home now. But oh yay, i signed a fucking lease. So while i know this is a first world problem, it's my blog, and yeah..... i simply cannot stand this city. It's just living hell on earth, and i've never been surrounded by so many low life losers all crammed into one small space before. And what the actual fuck is with the ambulances?? Every 2 minutes, there's one passing by, blaring it's sirens, even at 4am. O_o

Money? I'm broke. The end. This apartment is fucking rip off, and i wanna move. Either to a cheaper place, like how *I* wanted when we were searching for apartments, or by myself into a 1 bedroom somewhere. I was showing Jane apartments to look at and she refused. No no no.... to every one of them. She wanted this one, cuz they were giving away a free iPad Mini, which I have a feeling she sold without telling me, because i haven't seen it in over a month. Shouldn't we sell it and split the cash?? I'd love to have moved into one of the cute houses i found, with a porch, and a drive way, and no broken ass elevators, or crackhead neighbors. Ugh...again, first world problems....

Oh well.... I have also recently discovered the word 'Stoic' which is a perfect description for how i am. Very complacent, and easy going these days. I try to not bother anymore with voicing my opinions out loud, because it always falls on deaf ears and accomplishes nothing. 

K, well, I'm heading to bed now. I took a day off today to nurse a throbbing migraine, and needed a day at home alone too. It was nice to enjoy the 'quiet', and to be lazy for a day. Headache's gone, and now i'm just done. 

The diet is not going well at all either. I need a fucking blender, and to buy all the shit i need at once. But i need like $100 to cover it all, from the garcinia to the fruits n veggies n protein powder n shit. Ugh.... maybe i'll get ahead by christmas. I hope to be out of the hole by then. Hahaha, yeah right.... more like next June. I'm just constantly in the negative, and always having to ask for help to pay my shit, and it's killing me. I should not be this broke, and i don't get why i am!! I don't go anywhere, or do anything! WTF! 

Lottery anytime now. Please universe. Please.

Peace. 

M

The Red Table...

I'm feeling defeated again... i realize it's only been two months, but i should be healing by now, and i just feel kicked in the face. Every day is spent just surviving, getting through the day until it's time to sleep again. I look very much forward to sleeping because i don't think about it when im asleep. I never stop thinking about it. Ever. Unless i'm asleep. 

I'm just very good at faking happy, and surviving i guess. 

I honestly wish i didn't wallow in self pity every fucking day. Seriously. I'm just so tired of feeling alone, and miserable, and unwanted, and fat, and like a failure. I know i'm just wallowing, and some of that isn't true, deep down, but when i get in this mood, it's hard to see anything but negative. 

I desperately need a new job, and i AM looking. Every single day i look. Problem is, i have to make more money or the same at least, to stay afloat. I'm able to pay my bills right now, and have enough money left over for gas n stuff, but i wanna be really comfortable. I'm on my own, and have only my debt, so i should have extra money for fun. Anyone know anyone who's hiring? haha....let me know eh? 

I wish i had motivation to do something useful. My office is still not unpacked, and i've lived here for two months. My painting stuff is also not unpacked. I haven't even touched a paintbrush. Nor my guitars, nor my favorite books, drawing, writing, photography, even Minecraft.... nothing. I think about doing things, and then bail. I just want to sleep constantly. Zero motivation. And then i sleep instead, or sit around, and then feel like shit because i wanted to paint, play guitar, take pictures, write, draw, whatever..... and didn't. And so goes the cycle.

I need to move my red table into my office. I think that's a good starting point. If i don't have my table, then i have nothing to work on. Maybe that's where i need to begin. I need help with it though, and i live far from my friends and family, so i do everything alone. Jane doesn't help cuz she has her own life, and i don't expect her to drop everything for me, so solo it is. 

Maybe that's step one? The red table.... move the fucking thing already. And mark it as an accomplishment. Once the table is in here, i can put a box on it, and open said box, and dig out my things that i need to find me again. 

I've honestly never felt so fucking empty. I literally live on auto pilot. Words come out, and i make facial expressions, and even laugh for other's benefit, but i'm numb. I just have nothing, no spark, no excitement, and i simply want to sleep. I fill my day with text messages from men i don't give a shit about, and stay busy being a fucking bitch to my poor team at work, who have done nothing to deserve it. I come home, and wander around the apartment, looking at the walls, and staring at myself in the mirror, hating how things are, and then i go to bed...sleep for a bit, wake up, and around and around we go. 

I miss the spirit i had for my life. I honestly miss the happy soul i had when i first met John. Life was good, and i was loved. And it was fine. Before all the bad stuff. I just miss that happiness and contentment before my Karmic bank called to cash in on the enormous debt i must owe. Fuck karma, fuck the universe, and fuck my life.

Anyway, whatever... bad day today. Guess who's taking an ativan. Tomorrow might be better. I do have some decent days.... never real ones, but decent nonetheless.

Night.

Much to say...

It's been a while since my last entry, sorry about that. Shit hit the fan, and then i had to clean it all up because it stunk. So much shit, everywhere. All tidy now, and the broom and mop are back in the closet, ready if another mess happens. For now, things are calm, and peaceful, and i'm feeling a wee bit better every day that passes. 

So it's been ten days since i last updated things.... feels longer, and feels like more has happened. I've been on vacation for a week, boss recommended which is sad. I was reaching my boiling point, with clumps of hair falling out (still is), shaking physically, eyes twitching, not eating, the whole nine yards. So vacation it is. Today is my last day too, which sucks. I needed this week off from my life. Just 10 days of quiet, and doing nothing at all. 

I visited my mom, and Ally and Jack and the kids, and saw my friend Tara (name changed for privacy) whom i truly enjoyed seeing after five months! We sat at a Starbucks, and what i intended to be a quick chat cuz i was exhausted, turned into almost two hours of constant banter and dishing and awesome conversation. That was so nice, and it was so nice to see her again :) 

I went to a beach bonfire, with friends.... seeing the ex there, even though i only dated him for 5 seconds, i still consider him an ex cuz we made out some, and shared intimate details with each other.... ex but not an ex.... it's weird seeing him around now. There's little looks, and awkward waves, and i wish i could go back and not have dated him so it's not all fuckin weird and shit now. Whatever.... it is what it is. The fire was so nice, and i got to chat with Jack's sister Marla and her bestest friend ever Tasha, and we blabbered on and on and laughed and told stories about the heart aches we've endured, and it was just really great. 

I wished Jeff had shown up.... i'm so nervous about meeting him, but i do want to meet him very much. He too is very nervous, and we're both terrified of being hurt again, because we've both crawled out from a horrific train wreck, and never wanna ride a train again. Anyway, i wished he would come out, but at least he talked to me all night while i was there. We talk every day, which is nice. Today he texted me first thing, to say good morning of course, and to inform me that he called in sick, that the power was out from a storm, and that this is not acceptable, because he wanted to build stuff in the garage, hahaa.  It was actually pretty cute:) He also shaved off his goatee, which i do not care for, but whatever... he also stated he regrets the shit out of it, so that means it's being grown back, thank GOD. Can't have two sleeves of tattoos, chestpiece, and neck, kickass black glasses, and the whole damn badass look..... and no goatee/beard. Or can you? Hmmm.... now i'm gonna grow a beard and find out. Lol.... I will meet soon, and i hope it's as great as it has been this past 5 weeks. :) I'm willing to wait it out, and go slow to not rush a good thing.... and to not get too attached too quickly. It's a losing battle.... ugh....

What else what else...

I am dreading work tomorrow. I can't even put it to words. I have anxiety thinking about it to be honest. I fucking hate that shit hole, and i wanna just quit. But i have no god damn choice, cuz i have bills to pay. Oh well.... i'm constantly searching for a new job, but it has to pay at least what i make or more, so..... yeah. I'm fucked. 

Well, my last day of vacation, and i'm exhausted.... i'm going to lay down. Slight headache from the storm that kicked ass earlier. 

Bleh.... 

M

Time to Breathe...

Over the past week, i have reached my maximum limit for bullshit. I've not only discovered that John was dating his skeeze-homewrecker-teen-slut, Amber Pfohl, or is it Amber Wilson according to facebook.... not changing her name cuz she's a little homewrecker, and homewreckers should be shot and pissed on......ever since mid-May (we were still very much together, living together, the whole deal) but possibly sooner. She knew we were still together, and is a little fucking skank. Anyway, he dropped his bomb about wanting a "healing separation" on May 4th. This, amongst about 100 other new pieces of devastating information, discovered from Shane and Lorri whom i'll explain in a sec, have made me reach my absolute max. I simply cannot hear any more information. 

I have re-kindled my friendship with Shane and Lorri (names changed for privacy) whom were told by John not to talk to me, and that i hated them. They too were told i was mad at them and I didn't want to hear from them either. John was actively keeping us from communicating. Well, when i discovered he's been having an affair this whole time, i contacted them because i emailed his girlfriend. I knew once he found out (or so i thought) he would have an emotional break and need support. During my contact with Shane and Lorri, all of this new information came out. There was so emotional break and no support needed, because he's a smooth operator, and lied his way out of his affair/lies/cheating/bullshit somehow, and Amber bought it. What a stupid ass little homewrecker. Fucking asshats, both of them.

But now i need to place John, and all of his bullshit, on a shelf. I have no choice but to deal with him further due to money issues, but for now, i'm taking a break from him. I'm going to do my very best, to simply not think about or talk about John L. Bishop. (name not changed, cuz as i've said before, who gives a flying fuck about his privacy). He has consumed more than his fair share of my heart, and my life, and i am choosing to put a stop to it. As best i can. Until mid-september at least.... or as long as my Mom is willing to not take him to court. That's a story for another day.

It's good to know though; all this new information. It really is. I am more solidified than i have ever been, that he is dead to me. Before all of this, i will admit, that just a 0.01% little piece of my heart still had faith, that maybe in a few years........ NOPE. 

Being THIS done, actually feels good. I feel good knowing it's over with, and i never ever have to be made to feel like an old, used dirty rag, ever again. 

I've also been on POF alot lately, and have been talking to many guys, the count has reached like 30 now of the men who have come and gone...... but this one man, not boy, MAN, has stuck with me, still talking every single day, and still comfortable as ever..... we'll call him Jeff, for his privacy. 

Jeff is a calm, quiet, easy going man, with really great interests, and a gentle soul. He's polite, and soft and genuine, honest and even timid at a times. I clearly realize i've not met him yet, and i'm only judging by our many talks.....but i have gotten a good feel for his personality so far, and so far, i'm hooked! 

And he's hot. Hot as hell. And i'm gonna bite him. 

Off to work now! Slowly but surely, somehow, someway, life is going to be good again.... even if it kills me. 

M

Shit is Gonna Hit the Fan...

So my 'source' whom shall remain nameless, informed me that he's been dating his roommate for quite some time now, and they seem like 'they're happy and in love' from what my source can gather. My heart stopped beating when i heard this news. I could feel it, like a balloon quickly deflating down to nothing but a wrinkled little tiny shell of nothing. I threw up. I cried. And then i was angry. 

Angry doesn't even begin to touch on how I feel right now really. He just makes me so sick. Such a liar. What a fucking lying waste of space. And to think all this time, I'm blogging about how sad i am, and how i miss him so..... fuck off. 

So out of anger, and revenge, I emailed his little girlfriend. I figured if he's gonna lie to me like this, he's gonna get his shit torn apart. I do feel badly because if they really are "in love" or whatever, she will be hurt deeply, and i don't wish that kind of heart wrenching agony on any person.....except John. I honestly hope this destroys him. Evil? Nope. It's my fucking turn to burn his ass. 

I was kind in my email to her, because frankly, it's not her fault. He's a master at his game, and has for sure been lying to her too about me. I guarantee she has no clue that he spent most of last week, while she was in Jamaica, with me. (don't lecture me, i don't wanna hear it, i know it was stupid). And while he was with me, we weren't just hangin' out like friends. We were in my bed. The entire time. No need for further details there. 

Anyway, i'm awaiting the bomb. I sent the message to her yesterday, but haven't heard anything yet. I'm just waiting for it. My phone is gonna blow up when she sees that message....either she's gonna confront him or he's gonna confront me, or she's going to call me like i asked her to. Either way, i can't wait to put his bullshit to bed, once and for all. 

They're going on a 'family camping trip'....just him, her and his daughter. Yeah, he introduced them....he was also at her parents last night too. Sounds like something real eh? Not for long. 

God i hope his heart is torn out of his fucking chest. I hope it bleeds, and stings, and i hope he's miserable and alone. 

I also hope to let go of these horrific wishes and feelings, because that is not who i am. I don't wish evil on people. Ever. 

Anyway, off to work! Friday! Thank GOD! 

M

Picture This...

So i was editing some photos tonight, and i really love this one... it shows my amazing tattoos, and my mouth looks hot. I kinda wanna make out with myself a little. Cocky? yeah.... whatever. 

Anyway, it's been a decent weekend. Apparently i looked hot last night, and thin!! I'm losing a bit of weight which is fantastic, but i need to drop 50 in like a week.

Oh well, i work tomorrow, and this one is a short entry. I'm so exhausted, and have had a headache all fucking day, and it's lorazepam time baby!! Woot. I'm gonna pop one of those bad boys, and take a trek to sleepy town. 

I still miss him, but am feeling less clingy. If that makes any sense. There's a tiny spec in the back of my heart that hopes he shows up one day, all shiny and new, and has undeniable evidence of magnificent changes made, and then everything goes back to awesome, before Karen (name not changed for privacy cuz who gives a fuck about the homewrecking skank). 

Ahhhhhhhh........ 

Night.