End of a GOOD Day...

That's right. You heard me. I had a GOOD day today. The whole day. Minus a minor headache incident, which i treated with coffee and tylenol #3....yes i mentioned i missed him earlier, but it wasn't painful and i haven't had any sadness all day long. Instead, i literally went with the Eat Pray Love philosophy, and "missed him, and dropped it".

I stated in today's previous post that i hoped to fuck i could hold onto this good feeling....and i did it!! Tomorrow could suck, and i could very well have a shit day, but i don't think about that shit when i'm having a good one. I'm proud of myself, that i spent the entire day by myself and was happy about it!!! 

Anyway, i updated y'all enough in my last post of the days events, so i won't drone on. I'm gonna go into my bedroom and relax and put my books away on my lil' bookshelf.My Buddha statue is set up in his spot too, bringing me a constant reminder of impermanence.And for those who think that sounds like a bad thing, it's truly not. Impermanence, very simply explained - nothing lasts forever. This includes everything from life to love to heartache and grief. Everything ends eventually.

I'm trying this new thing where i accomplish at least one small productive act per day, instead of sitting on my fat ass from the moment i walk in the door, till bedtime. When i accomplish things, i feel great about them! Even just moving a small bookcase is enough to give me that feeling :) 

Night!

Chilly and Calm...

Yesterday, i spent the day with my mom, and honestly had a relaxed afternoon for a change. We went to Port Colborne, and she bought me a new pair of awesome cherry print flip flops, and for those who know me well, this is like giving an 8-ball to a coke head. I love me some shoes. Then we went back to Mom's and had a yummy bbq, and ate everything, and talked and just had a really good day all around. 

I went to Ally and Jack's place afterwards, and the relaxing and chatting continued until i realize the frigging time, and flew home. NOT because i was expected and NOT because i had to. Because i wanted to be home, and that was a nice feeling that i realized when i started driving. I said to myself, 'hey, you're heading home cuz you said so, not cuz you have to hurry up and be there....nice.' 

Anyway, my Mom gave me this really cool magazine called "Law of Attraction" which at first glance sounded like a magazine on how to date people properly. It's soooooo not a dating magazing. This magazine is packed with article after article on everything you could need to learn about love, life, money, spirituality, etc.... Thanks Mom!!! I'm hooked! :) 

So Ally posted this thing called '16 ways i Blew My Marriage" on facebook, and i gave it a read of course, since, if you're reading my blog, you know i blew my marriage, very very recently. Well, there's an additional 15 items, for a total of 31 ways to do it right next time. I wanted to share this with as many people as possible, because i connected with and agreed with every single one of the things Dan talks about. All of it.

http://www.danoah.com/2012/10/16-ways-i-blew-my-marriage.html

So, it's Sunday, it's freezing in my apartment, and i am loving the peace and quiet cold environment. Jane just got home from a waterpark, and i think is laying down or something cuz it's really quiet in her room. So im gonna read my magazine, and have a little lunch, then a short nap, then my task of the day is to move my bookcase to my bedroom and fill it up with all of my books. 

I still miss him, of course, as it's only been five minutes since we ended....but today is going ok. I feel calm, and relaxed, and hope to fuck i can hang onto this feeling, at least till tomorrow. 

Likely as update later.... 

M xo

Been Up and Down...

I'm gonna keep this shit short and sweet. It's hot as fuck, i can't breathe, and i seriously think i have heatstroke. No jokes. When i complain that my room is excessively hot, i mean it's so bad it's hurting my head and my blood pressure is through the roof. I went welfare tonight, and bought tin foil, and covered the windows....so pathetic that i'm fucking living like this, when i should be living in OUR house, living OUR life, like how we fucking planned. 

Ugh.... instead, i'll go to bed, by my fucking self, once again. 

Anyway, nothing worth blogging has happened, it's just hot as hell, and i'm showering three times a day, literally. I'm closing this week at work, and tomorrow is my last one, then i have some day shifts. So that will be good. 

I'm also headed to Welland this Saturday, and would like to see my Mom, then Ally and Jack (name changed for privacy) and then even see my Dad. Ambitious, i know. I'm toying with sleeping at my Mom's which would be nice so i can get a nice long visit in, and not have to drive back to Hamilton and waste gas i can't afford. 

Speaking of money, fuck ME. This arrangement with Jane was supposed to fucking SAVE me money. Not cost me, and i'm already getting frustrated with it. it's not been one month. Ugh. Long story, and i'm not gonna bash on the internet so long story short, she don't make enough cashola to cover the lifestyle she signed up for. I just wish she'd make some cut backs and live cheap for a bit. Oh well.... 

Anyway, i have a pounding headache now.... heat + barometric pressure + impending fake thunderstorm = migraine. Yay. 

I'm wearing my Guns n Roses short tomorrow, with my ghetto flip flops that i love and refuse to throw away, and my stretchy capris. Mmmmmmm comfy. 

There's a guy, hammered, outside, 17 floors down, that i can hear screaming so loud it's as though i'm on the 1st floor. 

So glad i moved here. Good thing. 

Night.

Started out as a good day.....

....and then i don't know. Anxiety hit me in the face like a kick in the throat, which is a terrible anology, but you get the drift. 

I got little accomplished today, and just had a grey cloud of shit over my head that just would not fuck off. I just felt this detached, upset, gloomy, fucking miserable cloud of shit all day long. 

I'm still having waves of missing him....it's every day. I work through it, and try to just be happy with living my life, and eventually changing who i am , but i'm so stuck in a rut it's like i can't move because i'm cemented to the ground. It's like i have black glasses on over my eyes, and i can't see anything in front of me...not even 5 minutes forward. All i can see or focus on is the current shitty mood.....and then why why why why why why i ask myself, why did this happen, and why me, and why now.....fack.

I feel like i'm rambling, not really putting anything with merit into this entry. Just bitching and crabbing as usual. I hate my life, i hate myself, i hate my accomplishments, i hate everything. I know it will get better, and it's just right now, and i have to just keep moving forward. 

I'm just cranky. And i'm running low on ativan. fml. 

OH! On a much more happy note..... wow, something fucking good, can you believe it? 

I finally got my new book in the mail today!! "The Five Minute Buddhist" by Brian Schell. I'm going to peruse the pages tonight when i head to bed. I've lost my faith in everything, and need to get back to focusing every single day on my religion of no religion, and becoming more centred. 

I was talking with a co-worker / friend, whom i will name Jenny for her privacy, and she has been through almost exactly the same thing. 4 years, marriage, built her life around him, cheating and lies, hearts broken, moving out, financial stress, you name it, she's also experienced it. Anyway, she wrote a poem and gave it to me, which was SUCH a kind gesture. We talked and had a smoke, and she reminded me to focus on getting my confidence back. 

It's so damned true. I have absolutely NO confidence, or self esteem (bad or good) and my self image is "you're going to be fucking alone, for the rest of your life, because no man is going to want an old brokenhearted, sad woman". Poo but true. 

Anyway, i'm forcing it, one day at a time. Today sucked, tomorrow will be better i hope. 

Good night. 

A shorty...

Not feeling much like bloggin' today, but i promised myself, i will do this every single day, no excuses. 

Waking up was hot and sticky and annoying, but alas...i slept for i think 8 hours?!? EIGHT. I got up at my usual 3:42am, stumbled to the balcony and had a smoke, and went back to bed. Aside from that, i actually slept!! That doesn't happen!! 

So off to work, knowing the client was on site today, and tomorrow too...yay. Gotta put my big girl pants on and be extra bossy. Speaking of bossy, i let someone go today, and this person's reaction was about as excited as a hockey stick. She just kinda sat there, and was like "oh.....ok." I never enjoy letting people go though...no matter what, it's serious, and it's someone's lively hood. Anyway, that was stressful for me....not sure why. Usually it's very clinical, in and out. 

Work took for fucking ever too.....like, holy fuckin time can MOVE already. Shit. I felt like i was there for days!! I was busy too though, working on stuff and checkin' shit off my list, but daaammmnnn..... Home time was glorious. 

He texted me today. Just to say hi, and say sorry that he didn't text me for a while. I always find this perplexing, because he's the one who flat out said "having to text you is not helpful to me at all. how is that giving me space???"..... ever since he said that, i stopped completely. And then he messages me like this out of nowhere, and it sends me on an emotional rollercoaster. So i got upset, and told him that, and idk, i guess it pissed him off that god forbid i speak my mind....cuz he got all stupid and said he regretted even texting in the first place. Ouch. Thanks.

I miss him. And i don't want to anymore.

Fuck.

All in all...

Today could be considered a rather good day. 

Despite zero sleep. I bought his cologne, in hopes it would soothe me, and it sort of did, but it only reminded me more of him, so i laid there all missing him and sad, and then my brain wouldn't shut off, so i barely slept. Not news. 

Anyway, despite being exhausted, i got up and got dressed, my hair did a decent thing, and i only had a tiny headache today. (i have a headache everyday, and have for months). Once i got my coffee, i was even better. So far, ok....this days not gone to shit quite yet. 

I get to work, still ok. I'm easing in, like 'oh come on, something has to go wrong". Idk, the whole day was just busy, and i hustled and bustled through work, which was super busy, and before i knew it, it was home time. 

Tonight, i got home, had a sammich and some potato salad, and had a chat with Ally on facebook as per usual, which was great. 

Sadly, there was a lull in our conversation where she got busy with the kiddies, and i began to miss him. Just missing his touch and scent really. Having him around. Things i took for granted i guess, like having a mans chest to lay my head on. He truly is oh so comfortable to lay with. There's a place on his chest where i nestled right in, and it smelled so great, i could breathe him in forever. 

But that's gone now. And i bought myself some man in a can (Axe) so i can pretend like a loser at bedtime. 

Speaking of bedtime......fuck me, it's late. And i'm exhausted. Ugh.....

If i can't sleep i'll come back and write more. Otherwise, night y''all.....

Monday's are Poop...

I woke up feeling dazed and hungover, despite the fact that i don't drink, but once i had my coffee and took a tylenol i felt alright for the day. Man was it frikking hot as fuck. I had two showers today, just to cool down and that didn't help much, since my apartment is like a god damn oven, set to 450. 

Around 7 it got nice and cool, with a great breeze passing through, so that was a welcome change. I was chatting with Ally on facebook, and a walmart bag flew by, but like in the air near the ceiling...haha, kinda funny.

Doing laundry was far more work than it should have been as well. I had one effing load. It took 2.5 hours. I finally got my laundry card thing to work, with the help of the handsome maintenance guy that works/lives here, and then he gave me directions and off i went to what i thought was a piece of cake. He's pretty. Just sayin. Anyway, i get there, to the 7th floor, cuz that makes sense...and all the washers are in fucking use. There's some Indian lady sucking up 5 of em, and her little brat is running around trying to pull open the washer doors while in use....ugh....

Anyway, i waited it out, stood there for 25 minutes, finally got my load in....hahahaha, load....and put the soap in the bleach compartment. Fack. came out clean. Whatev. Same situation with the dryers....like can i just do a fucking load of laundry fuck? JUST ONE. 

So laundry done, i set off to shoppers x2...1 on Barton to get one prescription, cuz they refuse to transfer it to the Shoppers across the street from my house, and the other....across the street. I got some hair shit too. Came home, had a shower, ate a sammich, watched a show about the holocaust, and then chatted with Ally for a bit...windy shit happened, had a smoke, and now i'm taking a break from folding the ridiculous mountain of clothing on my bed. 

OH, and then there's smelly vajay-jay chick.....people in this building fucking stink. seriously. this one chick got on the elevator and i could literally smell her crotch. She was a big lady, covered in sweat, hauling bags of food, and grunting like a mule. I wish i had febreeze on me, seriously....wtf. lol....gross. 

Anyway, all in all, today was what i would categorize as a good day. I still miss him. He's familiar. But when i think about today's events, we would have argued about the laundry, and watched what he wanted to watch, and i must admit i enjoyed the control i had over today's events. Although boring, regular everyday events, i did it in my order, how i wanted to, when i felt like it. That was nice i guess. 

Bedtime is coming...i have to work at 9am, so it's coming soon, and i have no choice but to go in there and i'm dreading it. I'm gonna lay in the middle tonight, like last night, and try to "hog" the bed and make it mine. 

I look forward to work tomorrow. Air conditioning, and a welcome distraction from being fucking alone 24/7. I know it's not Jane's problem, but it would be nice if she remembered that when i'm off and home alone all fuckin' day long, i DO look forward to seeing her, and chat and have a smoke and stuff. Instead she's getting stoned with her friends. Great. I know i know, we're roommates, not dating, and she in no way has to entertain me at all....i'm just really lonely and whiny and needy right now. Oh well... back to folding clothes...

And then Good night. :) 

p.s. i also bought myself a thing of his axe spray to make the bedroom smell familiar at least. it's soothing. shut up.