I was driving home tonight, from my fuck-terrible job that i hate. I had a pretty bad day emotionally today. Alot of anxiety, and even a break down in the ladies room. I was supposed to get my "hiring" bonus, and my boss told me she was told today it was supposed to be paid out. I started in Feb, and it's almost fuckin JULY, soooo HIRING BONUS?? How about "been workin' here for four months" bonus?!!
Anyway, long story short, after an emotional swamp of a day, i was thinking about stuff, and had a random flashback. I remembered when i was in Hatteras (near Avon, NC) on vacation with the prick and some other friends, and i had found out about the first time he cheated and lied. It was a terrible vacation to say the very very least. On one of the mornings, everyone was awake, and having breakfast and carrying on like life was grand, John included because he's a piece of shit... and i remembered laying in bed, looking out the window, crying my eyes out, and saying over and over again: "i want my mom". It was like i reverted back to childhood, and i just wanted nothing more than my mom.
Here's the view i'm talking about... not a great photo, since i wasn't really allowed to touch the cameras and didn't "know anything about photography"...
...it's nothing special but i can see this view in my head, and for some reason it's oddly comforting. Something about Hatteras draws me to it, and you'd think it would be the most horrible place on earth, right?? Nope. I want to go back there, SO bad.
Why is this entitled that flashbacks can be nice? Because at the very least, in my darkness and heartache, i just wanted my mom to make me feel better. I remembered when i was little, and how she always made me feel better, or laugh when i was sad, and always knew what to say to remind me that "tomorrow is a new day, with a new sun".
Anyway, this post is short and sweet, and i just wanted to share my little memory from tonight's drive home. I often have flashbacks, more than i can count in a day to be honest, and they're always so awful and debilitating, but this one was ok.
I don't know... maybe somehow my stupid brain decided to pull a positive out of the hat for once!!
So that's my weird little blog post for the day. It was horrible to be IN that situation at all, but something about wanting my Mom was endearing and kinda sweet i guess? I know this makes zero sense, but to me it makes some sense in my head, so i dunno...
Bedtime i think. Two more shifts at the shittiest shithole ever. Then the weekend!! YAY!! Saturday is my day to just do whatev, gonna bring Jonah (coolest nephew evar) to a beee dayyy partay, and then likely go shoot stuff with my cammy in tow. Cuz you know, i know nothing about photography.... then Sunday i have a Surro-BBQ to shoot with my know nothing photography ( i hope y'all are catchin' the irony and sarcasm), for Ally to celebrate with her surro pals for whom she made wee babes, and help build so so many families.
Namaste'
M
Today is June 14th.
I'm not one to really dwell on anniversaries. Usually, I'll briefly acknowledge that on this say, such and such a thing happened, and then get the fuck on with my day.
Today - not so much.
1 year ago, exactly, John walked out the front door - leaving me in a dangerous state, caring nothing at all about my well being, and now that i know where he was rushing off to, it cuts just that much deeper. It already destroyed me when i thought he was going to dog sit. Now that i know he was rushing to see his pregnant homewrecking skank, it's just that much worse.
And it's not a "i'm so sad, i miss him" kind of grief.... FUCK NO.
It's a "how the fuck could he leave me in the state i was in?" I just cannot get my head around that. I don't think i ever will. Like seriously, how does a person just go hop in the car, and fuck off like that??
But yeah... a year ago, today he had to pry me from holding him, literally throwing me to the floor, and left forever.
(don't worry, it was a blessing, i know)
I hadn't even thought of it until my god damn google calendar reminder popped up, to lovingly punch me in the face with this information... because for some fucked up reason, i set a reminder for it. ?? I don't even recall doing it... maybe in the aftermath of the rampage, i wanted to remember it? I'll never understand that, but well here i am, remembering it.
The trouble is, there are countless calendar reminders, and dates to remember, for all of the horrific events. And it's not the date that's flooded back... it's the mini movie my mind is replaying now, over and over again, that i had managed to totally block out, and not think of until now.
Anyway, that's not to say i haven't made much progress since one year ago. Much growth. Much change. I am doing much better now... getting there, one trigger at a time :)
I'm in purge mode right now too. I'm finally completing my move from Hamilton, back home and am purging 99% of what i own. Not because it's garbage, but because i don't need constant reminders.
Come fall, i'll hopefully be on my feet like a real grown up, and begin again.
I cannot wait for the day i begin again, and i crave that first day, on my own, all brand new - the past forgotten. it has nothing to do with "my own place/space/stuff" - it's got everything to do with the symbolism behind it.
*sigh*
Namaste'
So i finally quit my lame ass job, once and for all. I've been miserable there for a long time for a long list of reasons i'll not get into for the fear of breaching some privacy nonsense i probably signed eons ago. Simply put - my soul died when i parked my car every day, and now i'm free of it. It's just sad because i was happy at my job when i was back home. It was just such a fun place to be, great people, no stabbing. The hammer, not so much. I've never worked in a place so full of gossip in my life man.
Anyway, yeah so i start a new job on Tuesday, which is just a job, very simply put. Nothing to brag about, but certainly where i want to be, which is back in Welland where i belong. I can't say it enough - i miss my friends and family. I'm homesick. And i cannot wait to go home.
So that's the newest excitement happening in my world! Moving home! Finally. I should never have moved here to begin with, but what did i know? Nothing apparently, except being married to satan. Ugh, here it comes... boiling to the surface, i feel a rant coming on.
Honestly, if John died in a firey car crash, which i do not wish upon him because no matter what he's done to me i don't wish death on anyone but child molesters, but if he did - i would not be saddened by this event. Bye... you selfish, evil, sadist. I haven't let it go yet. I do want to, and i look forward to the day i don't think about what he did to me, and when that day comes my heart will feel lighter, and I'll be free. I by no means miss him. I can't stress that enough. I have absolutely NO "miss" left. It's the "how could you" that's lingering, and making me very fucking angry every single day, and keeping me awake at night. And the steady anxiety "rushes", like the dropping feeling you get on a roller coaster when you go over that very first big curve and suddenly drop, then you know the feeling. Like butterflies with steak knives. it's actually a physical sensation, which is weird. Under the boos, and above the belly button - that whole front tummy area... knots. About 57 times a day. :/
"You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness. Like resignation to the end, always the end."
I think I'm addicted to it, but i don't want it. But i think about it every. single. day. That's fucked up man.The slightest little things trigger me too.... a scent, a song, someone's coffee order, a color, a street name, certain foods, random sounds, tv shows, you fucking name it, there's some link to John in it. GOD DAMMIT.
He got her pregnant by the way. The little home wrecking skeeze. Amber the dirty slut is going to have his crotch dropping bastard child, and they will be the worst parents, with the worst morals, setting the worst example. Poor kid. And the best part is they conceived it while I was still with him. Cute eh? Makes me fucking sick.
Too harsh? Don't read my blog then. Sorry... i'm just not up for debating.
Annnnnnway, aside from my constant loathing hate for John Leslie Bishop who gets no anonymity because he's a wasteful piece of shit, my life is okay i guess. I'm not happy in my heart yet, but i know i will be better next week. Moving home, and beginning again is exactly what i needed. Right this minute, i'm not okay, but in like 72 hours I'll be much better! (at least that's the plan).
Sometimes when i write these things, and publish them on the internet, i question if i should be doing so. Does this make me look bad? Or am i expressing my right to free speech, and venting in the only form i know which is writing? Either or, i don't care much.
I am finally moving home. That is the best thing ever. And i have Ally and Jack to thank directly for the possibility. I'll be staying with them, pitching in only what i'm able to when i can until my lease here in Hamilton is done. That kind of generosity is few and far between now a days. Everyone is always looking for ways to get theirs. How can i get my money, what's in it for me, how do I win? Not these people. They're opening their home, and literally GIVING me the chance to get the fucking fuck out of this hell hole, as soon as possible. I'll get them back for this. And they won't even know what hit them. Some how, i don't know how, but i'll somehow give this back ten fold.
*sigh* it's late... i need to sleep. But that's all i seem to do anymore, is sleep. I love the safety of my bedroom. I go in there, and close the door, and i have all my stuff, and no one can mess with me when i'm in my hole. I don't have to talk to anyone, or deal with anything, and it's quiet and clean and calm. I'm hoping my outlook changes effective Monday. Otherwise i'm sure Ally will drag me out by my ankles, hahaha :)
K, so yeah.... fuck John, yay for moving, and cheers to shedding my skin.
Peace.
After my last post, where i talked about deleting the dating sites, and just spending some time being with myself...i developed and grew just a touch, cuz i mean it was only like 3 months ago....but anyway...i took a little breather :)
So it's now 2014. A brand new year, yes i'm 4 days in, technically 5 if you wanna count that it's after midnight, but whatever. I'm trying to hold onto the positive that's been happening, and just roll with it, but of course in the back of my mind i'm always bracing for impact. But nonetheless, for now i will go along for the ride and just enjoy the breeze in my hair and the sun on my face...despite the mother fucking cold ass winter months.
Seriously Canada...enough already. Look over there... (points to Bali)...don't you want palm trees?? LOL...
Anyway, so my biggest news is my new relationship, whom i cant seem to think of a covername for that starts with an M.... i'll come up with something. (and if you're reading this i change the names of all the real people i mention for their privacy. Just so ya know, lol) Anyway, i'm officially in a new relationship, as of December 9th! Yeah i know, i kinda waited too long to update this thing, but whatever, i've been busy as shit. So yeah, he's slowly earning my trust, and he is fully aware of the total clusterfuck I just came out of earlier this year.... wait.... LAST year. Omg. :) LAST YEAR. hahahaha, fuck you 2013, right in your fat face. You sucked. This could be my year!! Let's pray!
As previously stated, i'm always bracing for impact, because it's going to take a fuckload more than a month to get my guard down, but i'm hopeful and positive..
So the new business venture!! I've started very very VERY small, just feeling the waters... i made a lil' facebook page (facebook.com/silverfoxontario) for my photography ventures/business/stuffs. I'm terrified cuz i absolutley have found my niche. When i'm photographing anything at all, i'm in creative mode like in Minecraft, only there's no mobs or bad weather, and i'm always at full health and have a constant supply of material. Lol, that's actually a very acurate analogy. Haha. I just feel free and calm, and i only focus on my shot. I'm not thinking about the turbulent terrorist attack i just survived, (it's gonna take more than 6 fuckin' months to be healed from it) and i'm just happy. Overall, calm and happy. So photography is the business venture, and Silver Fox is the name i've chosen.
I really hope 2014 is the one. I feel like it is. It's a good number, and good shit is happening so far. I still hate my job and wanna burn the place with everyone in it, but aside from work, which is something i can change, life is seemingly good again!!
As for John...(name not changed, cuz fuck him, that's why). Karma will get him. And i hope it hurts. Nuff said. I will say though, i need to stop thinking about it. I don't think about HIM, i think about the shit he did, and how seriously bad, and some of it criminal it really was. What i'm mulling around is not at all about losing him, cuz BYE.. I've just been thinking how i allowed it, and how weak and pathetic i was, and just overall "how the fuck could you???". That's not me. But it became me, and ate my soul to the point where i still don't truly know who i am completely, but am working on it. I think about it still, every day... always starting or ending with a thought of disgust and sickness, like "how the fuck did you stay with that??"....and "idiot. took you long enough"....and "good thing you almost lost your best friend eh? dumbass." and "how nice, you live in Hamilton now..that was well thought out eh girl?"... fack. It doesn't help that i live in this shithole so i'm looking at it every single day, constantly reminded of what i went through...and somehow survived. I want to stop thinking about it though, honestly. It gives me nothing but anxiety. I hate that i've even typed this many words about it. Let's hope this new year clears all that shit right out!!
K, bed time!
Namaste'
M xoxox
October already, wow... i can't believe it's been nearly four months since this journey began. Moving into the apartment, on my own, beginning again. Now, here i sit, wondering when things will change.
By change, i mean get better and be awesome for me. I don't mean, like when am I gonna win a billion dollars, i mean when is my life going to start. I feel stagnant, and bored. I already know what i need to do to get the ball rolling, but of course it all comes down to money.
I need to find a new car. Yeah, i know that sounds ass backwards, but with a new car, i can commute to Niagara. Once i can commute, then i can find a new job just about anywhere. Then ride out my lease. Then, when said lease is coming up to being done, find a small little apartment/house with low rent, and rent it, by myself.
I think that's part of my problem. I've never lived totally alone. Ever. And i think i really need that control over my surroundings. My current living situation is progressively worse and worse, more and more stressful, and is not a good healing environment.
Anyway, that's the plan. Car, new job, end lease, move. It will take until like June of next year, but it's the plan and i'm sticking to it. I also need to somehow save up like 4 grand. Hhahhaa.... moving expenses, and first and last for the new place. SO it's going to be quite the undertaking but i'm going to do it.
I'm researching a juice/water fast again. I tried to do one, and only lasted like 4 days. I need to mentally prepare myself, and then follow the steps properly so i don't die. And when people keep saying "but you'll gain all the weight back".... Yeah no shit!! If i eat pizza and fucking cheeseburgers!!! Jesus christ, why do people have to gimme grief?? Like i'm gonna go through the agony of a fast and then fuck it up by toxifying myself like that? *facepalm....
Anyway, i have to keep holding onto my plan. It's all I've got. I deleted all my accounts from the stupid dating sites too. Too much of a wasteful distraction. Ally said it best when she told me I'm using the sites as a distraction, and then i find flaws in them, and reasons to stop replying, when they hint at being interested for real, because I'm not ready yet, and it's going to be a very very long time before i am. I haven't given myself time to heal at all. It's too much to face, and even just typing that sentence, i got a sick feeling. I need to focus on me, and get off my damn phone. Time to meditate, and knit, and draw, and paint, and be creative, and do what i wanna do. Time to take more pictures, and build up enough of a portfolio to create a website, and ever so slowly build a small business on the side.
I'm still talkin' to Jeff though. I don't think that will ever change, meet or not. I enjoy talking with him about tattoos, politics, old cars, and dogs, and life and shit. It's good conversation if nothing else.
Ruby, (named changed), my dear friend and fellow photographer, is my inspiration for this venture. She inspired me to get out my camera, and start taking pics. To quit making excuses, and go do it.
Well, i have to pack my shit for a weekend in Niagara. Funeral to go to.... my Aunt Joan passed away, rather suddenly. So very sad. Anyway, packing and then bedtime....
Namaste'
So wow, it's been forever since my last post, shit.... life's been moving along i guess. Just forward. Not necessarily in a bad way.... I've just become very complacent to say the least. I'm basically just riding out my sentence here and planning my escape as soon as i can do so without it costing me everything again.
Where to begin with the update...work, home, money? Ugh...
Work is a nightmare. I was happy at my job in Niagara, and didn't want to leave it. I won't start in on the complaints about leaving, or why....but nonetheless, i didn't wanna move here, and now that I'm here, i fucking hate my job, and everything to do with it. And since i spend 85% of my time there, this is a problem. I'm sick of the constant micro managing, and back stabbing, and complaining, and bullshit excuses. Niagara was such a well managed site....this one is a joke. A fucking joke to say the least. How many more trackers can we possibly have, before i become a 'tracker specialist'?? Good god.
Home.....well that's an extension of work. I hate living here. Hamilton is disgusting, loud, and full of degenerates. It's like living in lidsville, only it's massive. Nothing but noise, pollution, crime, filth, and disgusting people. I want to go home now. But oh yay, i signed a fucking lease. So while i know this is a first world problem, it's my blog, and yeah..... i simply cannot stand this city. It's just living hell on earth, and i've never been surrounded by so many low life losers all crammed into one small space before. And what the actual fuck is with the ambulances?? Every 2 minutes, there's one passing by, blaring it's sirens, even at 4am. O_o
Money? I'm broke. The end. This apartment is fucking rip off, and i wanna move. Either to a cheaper place, like how *I* wanted when we were searching for apartments, or by myself into a 1 bedroom somewhere. I was showing Jane apartments to look at and she refused. No no no.... to every one of them. She wanted this one, cuz they were giving away a free iPad Mini, which I have a feeling she sold without telling me, because i haven't seen it in over a month. Shouldn't we sell it and split the cash?? I'd love to have moved into one of the cute houses i found, with a porch, and a drive way, and no broken ass elevators, or crackhead neighbors. Ugh...again, first world problems....
Oh well.... I have also recently discovered the word 'Stoic' which is a perfect description for how i am. Very complacent, and easy going these days. I try to not bother anymore with voicing my opinions out loud, because it always falls on deaf ears and accomplishes nothing.
K, well, I'm heading to bed now. I took a day off today to nurse a throbbing migraine, and needed a day at home alone too. It was nice to enjoy the 'quiet', and to be lazy for a day. Headache's gone, and now i'm just done.
The diet is not going well at all either. I need a fucking blender, and to buy all the shit i need at once. But i need like $100 to cover it all, from the garcinia to the fruits n veggies n protein powder n shit. Ugh.... maybe i'll get ahead by christmas. I hope to be out of the hole by then. Hahaha, yeah right.... more like next June. I'm just constantly in the negative, and always having to ask for help to pay my shit, and it's killing me. I should not be this broke, and i don't get why i am!! I don't go anywhere, or do anything! WTF!
Lottery anytime now. Please universe. Please.
Peace.
M
I'm feeling defeated again... i realize it's only been two months, but i should be healing by now, and i just feel kicked in the face. Every day is spent just surviving, getting through the day until it's time to sleep again. I look very much forward to sleeping because i don't think about it when im asleep. I never stop thinking about it. Ever. Unless i'm asleep.
I'm just very good at faking happy, and surviving i guess.
I honestly wish i didn't wallow in self pity every fucking day. Seriously. I'm just so tired of feeling alone, and miserable, and unwanted, and fat, and like a failure. I know i'm just wallowing, and some of that isn't true, deep down, but when i get in this mood, it's hard to see anything but negative.
I desperately need a new job, and i AM looking. Every single day i look. Problem is, i have to make more money or the same at least, to stay afloat. I'm able to pay my bills right now, and have enough money left over for gas n stuff, but i wanna be really comfortable. I'm on my own, and have only my debt, so i should have extra money for fun. Anyone know anyone who's hiring? haha....let me know eh?
I wish i had motivation to do something useful. My office is still not unpacked, and i've lived here for two months. My painting stuff is also not unpacked. I haven't even touched a paintbrush. Nor my guitars, nor my favorite books, drawing, writing, photography, even Minecraft.... nothing. I think about doing things, and then bail. I just want to sleep constantly. Zero motivation. And then i sleep instead, or sit around, and then feel like shit because i wanted to paint, play guitar, take pictures, write, draw, whatever..... and didn't. And so goes the cycle.
I need to move my red table into my office. I think that's a good starting point. If i don't have my table, then i have nothing to work on. Maybe that's where i need to begin. I need help with it though, and i live far from my friends and family, so i do everything alone. Jane doesn't help cuz she has her own life, and i don't expect her to drop everything for me, so solo it is.
Maybe that's step one? The red table.... move the fucking thing already. And mark it as an accomplishment. Once the table is in here, i can put a box on it, and open said box, and dig out my things that i need to find me again.
I've honestly never felt so fucking empty. I literally live on auto pilot. Words come out, and i make facial expressions, and even laugh for other's benefit, but i'm numb. I just have nothing, no spark, no excitement, and i simply want to sleep. I fill my day with text messages from men i don't give a shit about, and stay busy being a fucking bitch to my poor team at work, who have done nothing to deserve it. I come home, and wander around the apartment, looking at the walls, and staring at myself in the mirror, hating how things are, and then i go to bed...sleep for a bit, wake up, and around and around we go.
I miss the spirit i had for my life. I honestly miss the happy soul i had when i first met John. Life was good, and i was loved. And it was fine. Before all the bad stuff. I just miss that happiness and contentment before my Karmic bank called to cash in on the enormous debt i must owe. Fuck karma, fuck the universe, and fuck my life.
Anyway, whatever... bad day today. Guess who's taking an ativan. Tomorrow might be better. I do have some decent days.... never real ones, but decent nonetheless.
Night.
