3 Days Grace...

Written on July 2nd, 2013 - 4:33pm - Posted July 7th, 2013. 

Day Three, July 2nd, 4:33pm. 

Went to work today, and it started out okay, got busy workin' and getting things done, and then something snapped in my brain and I had a killer anxiety attack, and started losin' it on people. Thanks to the best boss ever, I'm at home now. It just came out of nowhere, and I hate that. So I took an ativan, which has become my crutch, and am laying down for a wee bit, before tackling my office. 

I cannot wait for the Internet tomorrow. Like, need it. I don't even give a fuck about it being bad for me, and how I need to disconnect from my devices. All that can shut the fuck up for a minute. I wanna surf the web, and look shit up, and watch Netflix at bedtime so I'm excited to get some internets happening. 

I will slowly detach from the computer, I just need a crutch right now, and it's to me what weed and drinking is to other people. Stress releasing for sure. 

Having Ally (named changed for privacy) in my life again has lighten the load quite a bit, knowing she's here for me when I need her, and I have her again to talk to everyday like we always have. God I missed that. 

I also need a new job. I need to make a lot more money and fast track buying a house as soon as this year is up. I wanna travel somewhere warm, and take Ally with me, and buy a house by mid 2014. Probably won't happen until 2015 but I can dream, lol. But I'm determined on a trip by spring, at least. And the beauty is, she doesn't drink, and neither do I. Ahhhhhh. Just need to go chill the fuck out in a hammock somewhere for a week and not beb othered by anyone except the sexy cabana boy, bringing me a fresh virgin piña colada. 

Sigh.........sleepy time.

The Morning After...

Written on July 1st, 2013 - 11:54pm - Posted July 7th, 2013.

Day Two - of my new "home" and I felt a bit better. I'd say today was ok. I thought of him all day, as I do every single day. Everything reminds me of him. But with every thought, I tried to smile and be happy to think of him, instead of being sad every time he came to mind. 

I was sitting outside watching fireworks, with Jane, and she had said how romantic it would be to be watching them on our balcony with a special someone. Or view is incredible, from Toronto, to Guelph, to the falls, and everything in between. So we could see all major cities fireworks displays all at once....and it would have indeed been very romantic. Unfortunately, this made me sad, because he and I would sit out there, and we would enjoy something like that together. It's something we would do. And he would be fiddling with his camera, and I'd be enjoying the sound of his fiddling, and we would have a blanket, and he would take pictures, and I would tell him what great shots he's taking. But I sat there, alone. Jane was there, but.....ya. Alone in my heart. 

Although I am in so much pain everyday, from missing the man I was supposed to marry, I feel ok with how things are. I miss him though, so much I can't breathe sometimes, but this is where we were headed. He treated me poorly, and I treated him well for the most part, except my refusal to trust....and together we killed off our marriage. 

I put my engagement ring on last night. Like I said, it was a rough night. And cried, and talked out loud to him, and just let out the hurt. 

I keep thinking the words "I hate you for this" but can never bring myself to say them. I do hate what he's done. I hate his selfishness, and the pain he's putting me through. And I hate that he just expects that I'm going to be here waiting for him when he's all done feeling freedom and having his space. 

I talk like this about him to myself, and I get angry. He could he make me believe we were ok, move me to Hamilton, and then drop me like this?? 

I fear I will never let this go, and he will always have females in his address book, and I will always feel mistrust, and we will never be ok. And I feel it's time to let him go for good, and then I panic at the thought of it. 

Fuck.